He Died with His Boots On
And a gas mask…and wetsuit…
After a 6 month long investigation, Peter “Quincy” Bedford, surely Britain’s sharpest coroner, recorded a verdict of misadventure for the death of Security Guard Ralph Santiago. On July 22nd, 2008 a co-worker discovered Santiago’s body in the men’s room of the building in which the two men worked. At the time of his discovery Santiago was wearing Wellington boots, a wetsuit and a gas mask.
The inquest revealed that on his second (and last) night on the job Santiago, who worked the graveyard shift, evidently felt he could best protect the property with which he had been entrusted by dressing up in rubber and masturbating furiously while snorting poppers from a gas mask. It would seem his cardiovascular system disagreed.
After returning his verdict, Mr. Bedford, in a winning attempt to prove he has no apparent grasp of cause and effect, added: “He indulged in a certain pastime which he was fully entitled to do in his own time. This time he was doing it while he worked as a security officer. The fact is he was taking a risk. Tragically and unexpectedly this caused him to die.”
Friends and family who paid tribute to him on Facebook have defended Ralph’s proclivities and character (no word on his judgment). One friend, Claire Feltham, went so far as to say: “Billy Joel was so, so right when he sang Only The Good Die Young.”
No, Claire, I think we can safely add the kinky to the list, too.