Calm Down, Australia
You’re going to get us all killed
Look, Australia, we know you’ve had it rough. It can’t be easy having New Zealand hanging out in the wings, taunting you with its awe inspiring landscape, relatively mild climate, 16 species of penguins, laid back citizenry and a rugby team that has a history of stomping your asses (Tip: The name Wallabies probably doesn’t intimidate a team called the All Blacks). But seriously, you’re on the brink of causing an all out “We Love Our Penguins More” war.
Yes, yes, we know the Kiwis don’t fight fair. You started knitting tiny sweaters for your little Fairy Penguins (I swear that’s their actual name, but I don’t know if they’re really magic or not), and New Zealand smacked you upside the head by training theirs to compete in an Olympic Penguathalon. But, now–now you’re upping the ante too much. No good can come of setting up snipers to protect your penguins. Have you considered that if dingos are eating your baby penguins, then maybe you could try less drastic measures first, like, oh, let’s see…scaring them away? Trying to protect your penguins is an admirable gesture, but how is New Zealand going to respond? Given their overzealous response to your sweater knitting, our guess would be by training their penguins in the use of nuclear weaponry, and when that day comes, when the penguins have nuclear capabilities, we are all done for. So please, Australia, reconsider, and remember, you’ll always have koalas.