Last night I was mindin’ muh business, perusing Facebook, when an update appeared from my friend Rev. Random. The Rev usually has something interesting, insightful, or hilarious to say, so my natural inclination was to click the link.  I did, and that’s when all reason left me and I was unable to function or form words for the next several minutes.   What she linked to was this: A story about a Louisiana Justice of the Peace who refused to marry an interracial couple. After reading the first few sentences I twitched, I spasmed, I twitched again and grunted, then finally I let out a stream of expletives that only stopped when my brain shut down in either self-defense, or what might be the first documented case of Tourette’s Overload.

Note: I know many of my friends are in interracial relationships, or as I like to call them, relationships, so you might want to tape your head before reading.

In the article, Justice of the Peace Keith Bardwell states, “he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have. ” and that “it is his experience that most interracial marriages do not last long.”

That’s where I started twitching, but it wasn’t until after I tried to wrap my mind around his declaration that he wasn’t a racist that my brain broke. He said:

“I’m not a racist. I just don’t believe in mixing the races that way,” Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. “I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else.”

Recipe for cerebral hemorrhage : 1 part confusion, 1 part slack jawed awe at the absurdity, 2 parts anger, stir.

First of all, what the Jim Crow does he think racism is?  Had I just been transported back to 1950 when it was progressive to let black folk use whitey’s facilities? If so, why aren’t my boobs pointy?  Secondly, really, “piles of black friends”? Piles? Are they dead and piled in your basement?  Were they actually once white but turned black as they started to decay? And what the hell? Was he proud that he lets his black friends use his bathroom because he thinks you can catch black from a toilet seat? Does he actually live in the 18th century where he’s mistaking the smiling, singing, dark skinned people working his fields as friends?  “They’re singing, so they must like me!” Ahhhhh!!!!!!! *POOF*

I admit, I find his logic and defense of it so absurd it is actually funny, but the reality and repercussions of his act are anything but funny.  There may be some truth in what he says, but it’s only true because it’s a self-fulfilling truth.  It’s not always easy being in an interracial relationship, but it’s not the interracial relationship that’s the problem. The entirety of  the problem is other people thinking there’s something wrong with it! So as long as people like him take that stance it won’t be easy.

I could freak out about this for days, but instead I’ll just say, I hope he gets run over by the giant ball of racist crap he’s rolled up his non-existent slippery slope.

By "tap" they mean "that ass." AMIRITE?

UPDATE ALERT: See the full article for the addendum.

Are you an awkward young male who is pathetically dependent on corporate driven pop culture for advice on how to achieve social success?  Then Pepsi has the iPhone app for you! In order to promote their AMP energy drink, Pepsi recently released an iPhone application called “AMP Up Before You Score.”  In essence, it’s an encapsulated version of the Jack Jericho character in The Pick-Up Artist (sans inevitable change of ways and subsequent emotional and moral redemption), replete with electronic bedpost notching capabilities and handy directions to the nearest bed–an electronic idiot’s guide to scumbaggery.

The gist of the functionality of the app is this: You “identify her stereotype” from a handy list, and the app returns a profile of that type.  The profile is basically a quick study guide to that type’s interests, along with links to more info and a list of lines that might work on her.

Yeah…

One has to assume Pepsi either doesn’t know women drink its products (doubtful), or lacks even a modicum of giving-a-shit-that-women-do (more probable), because there are so many offensive elements to this app that it’s difficult to know where to begin. In order to keep this diatribe from becoming a missive to be nailed on the doors of Pepsi HQ during the Great Soft Drink Reformation the cola corp is surely precipitating, here’s a quick rundown of the most repugnant facets:

1. It breaks down women into 24 convenient types. Irony fueled favorite: “Out-Of-Your-League Girl,” because face it, guys.  If you’re using a Pepsi iPhone app to help you pick up women, women are just generally out of your league. Note: These 24 types are allegedly men’s “favorite types of women,” so if you look at the list and don’t see yourself in any of the types, you’re probably hopelessly unattractive and should sign up for a foreign exchange program or buy a yourself a sorority sweatshirt and pretend, pronto. Also, if you are male and look at the list and don’t find any of those types appealing, you’re probably gay.

2. The aforementioned bedpost notchery.  That was real, I shit you not.  It allows you to store lists of conquests, because, you know, you’re going to be so deep in pussy you’re going to need a way to keep track.

3.  A brag function that allows you to tweet or update your newly laid status on Facebook, after all, what good is a notch in your bedpost if you can’t broadcast it to all and sundry?

4. That it exists. Really, that’s the most offensive part of all.

So, welcome to the Thundersquee! shit list, Pepsi.  Can one strangle a corporation with their fallopian tubes?

UPDATE: Pepsi issued an apology, and by that I mean, they tweeted a half-ass defense of their actions.

After people took to twitter in droves and started mercilessly bashing Pepsi (search #pepsifail), Pepsi tweeted the following: “Our app tried 2 show the humorous lengths guys go 2 pick up women. We apologise if it’s in bad taste & appreciate your feedback. #pepsifail.”

Really? That’s a whole lot of typing just to say “JOKE,” and the only apology I see is one that firmly places the blame on the people with the complaint.  My interpretation of the alleged apology was,  “We’re sorry you if you don’t get it.”  They’re also not withdrawing the app, presumably because it’s just too damn funny to give up.

Pepsi, my assessment still stands, and you’ve moved up a two notches on the shit list–one place for your “blame the victim” style apology, and another for substituting the number “2″ for the word “to.”

A London man was killed yesterday when he was struck by shards of glass as he knocked his girlfriend through the front window of a Banana Republic in West London.  Witnesses say the couple were arguing when he began shoving her into the shop front window, and that his final shove (literally) was hard enough to send her through the window. As the window shattered, he was struck by a piece of glass that severed an artery, and he bled to death before paramedics could arrive. His girlfriend suffered only minor scrapes and bruises.

No deity has stepped forward to claim responsibility, but Buddha is currently smiling knowingly.

During a debate yesterday on “Pay-As-You-Go” rules, Tennessee’s 7th District Congresswoman, Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R) was urging Congress to agree that PAYGO enforcement was necessary when this gem popped out of her mouth: “Let’s agree that we’re going to have PAYGO enforcement. That we’re not going to cry ‘emergency’ every time we have a Katrina…”

Maybe you can borrow Chris Brown’s “OOPS!” necklace, Marsha, because last time I checked, you represent Memphis, a city that is 65% black, and while I can say on behalf of all Tennesseans that you, Madame Congresswoman, are an idiot,  I can’t speak for the entire black population. However, I can consult our resident Angry Black Lady, and I bet she’ll agree that most black people would find this “boy who cried wolf” analogy insultingly ridiculous, if not outright demeaning.  Hell, most people would, regardless of color! But hold on, while I ask Angry Black Lady.

Angry Black Lady says, “You are no longer allowed to call yourself BLACKburn. Now please go burn in a fire.”

Yeah, I’d say you’ve pissed off Angry Black Lady, and given Cait and NFL Guy live in New Orleans, I’m betting you’re a little less welcome there now, too.

Chris Brown paid jeweler Jason of Beverly Hills $300,000 to create a tacky-ass necklace that reads “OOPS!” to wear as a form of public apology to P. Diddy’s (or whatever his nom de jour is today) Fourth of July party.  It’s good to see Brown is so understanding of the severity of his crime.  Yes, Chris, the appropriate level of apology for felony assault is, indeed, “oops!” Although, the necklace really should have read “Oops! I am a sick young man who broke Rhianna’s face over a text message.” Or maybe, “Oops! I’m a fuckhead who is basically getting away with something other men would have done hard time for.” Or possibly, “Oops! My friends insulate me and tell me I did nothing wrong, so I think bashing in my girlfriend’s face is acceptable behavior, or at worst a faux pas.” Or even, “Oops!  I exist.”  I guess the extra words would have cost too much…

Thanks for the tip, AdAd.

Madoff attempts to answer the question "How much do you suck?" before realizing he doesn't have the arms for it.

He’s going to prison, the big house, the pokey, the pen, the can, jail, up the river, the hoosegow! Applause broke out in the crowded Manhattan courtroom after U.S. District Judge Denny Chin issued the maximum sentence to Bernard Madoff, thief of billions and fleecer of masses.  Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison today after pleading guilty in March to securities fraud, mail fraud, wire fraud, investment adviser fraud, three counts of money laundering, false statements, perjury, false filings with the SEC and theft from an employee benefit plan–the  haul from which totaled an estimated $65 billion dollars and harmed or destroyed the lives of at least 8,000 people (there are an estimated additional 1,300 victims who have yet to be identified).

For those thinking this seems like a harsh penalty for a white collar crime, consider this.  That’s a mere 1 year per each $433,333,333 stolen and 53.33 people swindled. Furthermore,  at least 2 suicides and one fatal heart attack have been attributed to his acts.  The widow of the man who died of a heart attack wrote the judge, asking for a fitting sentence.  That letter exemplifies the type of man Madoff is.

It told the story of a Madoff investor who had died of a heart attack. Madoff, presumably at the man’s funeral, put his arm around the the widow and said, “Your money is safe.” The widow then gave Madoff more money, all of which is gone.

She was not alone in writing the judge to ask for a stiff sentence; many of his 8,000 victims wanted to testify against him during the pre-sentencing hearing, but they had to select a handful. Tellingly, absolutely no one–not friends nor family–spoke on his behalf or asked for leniency. The only person to ask for leniency was his lawyer, who asked for a laughable 12 year sentence.

When issuing the sentence, Judge Chin stated:

“Here the message must be sent that Mr. Madoff’s crimes were extraordinarily evil and that this kind of manipulation of the system is not just a bloodless crime that takes place on paper, but one instead that takes a staggering toll.”

Madoff and his wife have been forced to forfeit $171 billion in assets, and hopefully some of his victims will see repayment.

Perez Hilton stated on his blog that any proceeds he received from his suit against Black Eyed Peas’ road manager Polo Molina would be donated to the Matthew Shepard Foundation.  However,  the Matthew Shepard Foundation heard this and have publicly denounced Hilton and stated they don’t want his money.  It may be time for Hilton to examine his own role in these events, given this comes on the heels of GLAAD publicly shunning him.  Here’s the Matthew Shepard Foundation’s entire statement.  It’s long, but I’m not inserting a break for a jump because I think it deserves the page space. (Thanks to SeaKat for the tip.):

STATEMENT FROM MATTHEW SHEPARD FOUNDATION REGARDING PEREZHILTON.COM

The Matthew Shepard Foundation was surprised to learn this morning via media reports that blogger Perez Hilton (Mario Lavandeira) has announced he plans to donate, to our organization, the proceeds of a lawsuit he is contesting over an altercation which has been widely reported in recent days.

We had no advance notice or contact from Mr. Hilton or his representatives regarding this proposal, nor any communication since he posted this plan to his website.

We do not know the details of the lawsuit, whether it has been filed, the nature of his claims or the likely outcome. But because the lawsuit presumably involves the physical attack prompted by Mr. Hilton’s admitted use of an anti-gay slur, the Foundation will be unable to accept any funds obtained in such a manner.

We very much appreciate the generosity of the offer to support our continuing work to memorialize Matthew through activism in defense of sexual minorities and in favor of understanding, compassion, and acceptance. But because so much of our work involves education to reduce the use of hateful language against gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered persons, or those so perceived, it would be inappropriate for us to benefit financially from circumstances in which such a verbal attack was involved.

While we applaud Mr. Hilton’s apology to the LGBT community and their loved ones for his use of such a slur, we also feel compelled to point out that use of epithets can often lead to physical violence, as it appears it may have in this case, and that the Matthew Shepard Foundation has worked for more than 10 years to bring to people’s attention the consequences of hateful or intolerant language.

Judy Shepard

Chair, MSF Governing Board

I think this might officially answer stopthemadness’ question. Kudos to Judy Shepard for setting Perez straight so eloquently.

McG earning extra douche point for his facial hair

Director Joseph McGinty Nichol, or as he refers to himself, McG, is a notoriously stressful director to work for.  After all, our own Mr. Squee lost his shit on the set Terminator Salvation over something the director should have taken care of long before it got to melting point for President Bale.  He’s also  hated by fanboys and well, most people in the industry, in general.  He knows what the general opinion of him is.

“It’s partly the name,” says McG, relaxing on a sofa in the offices of his production company Wonderland Sound & Vision. “I mean what kind of asshole goes around calling himself McG? It’s real fun to hate that guy.”

Of course, it never would occur to a guy who calls himself McG that if he is ill-received, in part, because he has a dooshy nickname, that maybe he should call himself something else, like, oooh, I don’t know, “Joseph Nichol”? Of course, that removes your excuse, but that’s another article all together.

Let's show this prehistoric doosh how we do things downtown

He seems to be trying to keep his doosh rep alive and well, and now he’s pissed off Dr. Peter Venkman–pissed him off badly.  I mean, so badly that Murray planted his head into McG’s smug mug. Realistically, people should be shaming Bill Murray, but you know you’re an asshat when the world applauds your public nutting.  Murray declined comment, but McG had this to say:

McG declines to comment any further than he already has, but points out that movie sound stages can be stressful places where creative battles sometimes become heated. Particularly, it seems, on his sound-stages. “I’m reintroducing the fist-fight to movie sets,” he smiles. “I don’t think there’s been a film I’ve made where there hasn’t been some kind of physical fight. I mean, I’ve been headbutted by an A-list star. Square in the head. An inch later and my nose would have been obliterated.” Will he be revealing any names? “Nah, I probably shouldn’t,” he smiles. “But it was Bill Murray. Y’know, it’s a passionate industry.”

In other words, he had nothing left to say except, “It was Bill Murray!”  Go, go McG.  You’ve done so much to repair your public image.

Many parents don’t seem to understand, but what they don’t understand is how to be a parent.  Here’s a knee slapper of an example.  Newly unemployed Phoenix mom, Cynthia Roberson was broke and out of ideas–until, seemingly, she took a look at her last name and noticed it held the solution to her problem.   So she did what any sociopathic narcissist would do; she guilted her two sons (ages 12 and 14), along with some of her and their friends, into committing armed robbery and aggravated assault.  20 times…

All the victims were physically assaulted, and all were between the ages of 13 and 20.  Cynthia’s haul, as one might suspect, was minimal.  According to Phoenix police, one victim, a 13 year old boy, was beaten and forced to empty his pockets.  The only thing he possessed was a lollipop.

Don’t let this lead you into thinking she’s all bad, though.  Ever the considerate parent, she drove get-away for her kids, and in one case a witness has said she held a sawed off shot gun, which is incredibly thoughtful.  After all,  a shotgun can be a lot for a 12 year old to manage.

Her 12 year old is currently in the custody of Child Protective Services, while her 14 year old is in juvenile lock-up.  Both face charges.

Purely a symbolic representation of Sahil as no photos are available.

Recently, Faiso Sahil, a Somalian born mother-of-five living in Bristol, UK, was hospitalized during a high-risk pregnancy with twins. After what she felt was a lengthy stay during which she had asked for labour to be induced and was refused, she allegedly became bored, grew sick of the hospital food, and had had enough of the discomforts that went along with the pregnancy that placed her there to begin with. Her solution? Less than a month from her due date she injected herself with Syntometrine in an attempt to induce labour. Did she have any real knowledge of what this drug was? No. She supposedly had a minimal knowledge of midwifery that made her think it might do the trick.

The problem is she was wrong. The drug is oxytocin mixed with an ergot alkaloid and it’s used to help deliver the placenta, not baby(ies). Having already given birth to five other children, she probably knew that oxytocin causes uterine contractions (among other things), but what she didn’t know is the ergot part constricts blood vessels to prevent bleeding. It’s OK to not know this. Most people don’t. I had to look up the drug to know what it’s composed of. But, you know what? I could be pregnant with a litter of hyperactive Great Danes (my private life is my own business, thank you very much) and I wouldn’t inject myself with a drug to try to induce labor even if I kind of, sort of thought I might, sort of a little, maybe know what it does. It could end badly for all involved, and as a wise woman taught me, you don’t want the word “misadventure” appearing in your coroner’s report–even if the word “medical” precedes it.

In this case Faiso Sahil lived, so I feel completely justified in railing against her because what she actually succeeded at was killing her unborn twins. I understand it wasn’t her intent; she just wanted them out of her body and to go home and presumably eat food that tastes of something anything. She didn’t plot against them with malice in her heart.  She was criminally stupid, and while that makes me extremely angry, what she did next induces a rage in me so great that clay trembles with the knowledge that it might one day grow up to be the brick I use on this woman, and that said bricking will surely be as damaging to the brick as it is to the brickee.  She fucking blamed her midwife.  That’s right, she pointed her finger straight at another person and said “She did it.”  She being Caroline Randall, the senior midwife assigned to her case who was subsequently arrested by police.

Just to clarify, midwives in the UK are a bit like US Nurse Practitioners would be if they specialized in obstetrics. Pointing the finger at this woman could have ruined her career and possibly her life. Thankfully, when Sahil was interviewed by police she attempted to withdraw the accusation and was charged with perverting the course of justice.  Good. I hope she’s charged with a lot more, but for now, good.  When your stupid, selfish ass accidentally kills your unborn children, don’t compound the effects of your idiocy by trying to ruin another life.  This woman may have just usurped the place in my hate I reserve for Nadya Suleman.  I can’t decide who is the bigger idiot, and I’m pretty sure I’d burst more than a few blood vessels if I tried.