Times are tough and people are looking for new ways to make money.  The more entrepreneurial of us are constantly trying to come up with million dollar ideas to pitch to venture capitalists in the hope they’ll get money to develop their idea, and if you’ve ever seen shows like Dragon’s Den in the UK and Canada (among others) or Shark Tank in the US, you’ll know that some people have some seriously bad ideas that they think are completely awesome and for which they fully expect a billion trillion dollars.  They call these people “lunatics,” but even at their worst, their foolish ideas aren’t as bad as some of the saner ones.  So I’ve decided to see how bad the ideas could get, and came up with my own list of horrible product or business ideas. Enjoy.

• 10. Used dog toys
• 9.  Hybrid speculum/cork extractor
• 8.  Home Dentistry Kit
• 7. 811–A number people can call to tell someone everything is going OK today.
• 6. Hypodermic needle recycling
• 5. Steel wool bath puffs
• 4. Tiger Balm Lube
• 3. Do-it-yourself Circumcision kit
• 2. Squid leash
• 1. Vinegar and baking soda douche

Since 1998, each August Beloit College’s Keefer Professor of the Humanities Tom McBride and Emeritus Public Affairs Director Ron Niefhas have compiled the Beloit College Mindset List. The list defines the cultural experience of the incoming freshman class by taking a look at the cultural touchstones that are uniquely absent from or that have always been a part of their experiences. They recently released their list for the class of 2013, and some entries will make you think, others will make you laugh, and still others will make you feel old.  Here are a my top 10 favorites, but the complete list can be found here. Which did you find interesting, or even shocking?

1. They have never used a card catalog to find a book.
2. Margaret Thatcher has always been a former prime minister.
3. The KGB has never officially existed.
4. State abbreviations in addresses have never had periods.
5. The European Union has always existed.
6. Kevin Costner has always been Dancing with Wolves, especially on cable.
7. They have never been Saved by the Bell (except in re-runs, obv).
8. Agent Starling has always feared the Silence of the Lambs.
9. For these students, Martha Graham, Pan American Airways, Michael Landon, Dr. Seuss, Miles Davis, The Dallas Times Herald, Gene Roddenberry, and Freddie Mercury have always been dead.
10. Bobby Cox has always managed the Atlanta Braves.

Yeah, fuck that

Good news!  Fewer people are dying in work related accidents. Bad news.  It’s because fewer people are working.  The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics’ National Census of Fatal Occupation Injuries report is out and while I hate to spoil the ending for you, I have to report that work-related fatalities dropped 6% to a total of 5,488, the lowest number  since 1992. Construction work is still the most dangerous job overall, causing around 1100 deaths each year, but there are many, many construction workers so their professional average is relatively low.

So what jobs are the most dangerous?  Based on deaths per 100,000 employees, here’s a list of the top 5.

1. Fishers: 112 deaths per 100,000
2. Logging: 87 per 100,000
3. Aircraft pilots and flight engineers 67 per 100,000
4. Iron and steel workers 45 per 100,00
5. Farmers and ranchers: 38 per 100,000

Law enforcement didn’t make the top 5, but it did make the top 10, with 21.4 per deaths 100,000. This means it’s 5 times less dangerous than fishing, and 4 times less dangerous than logging, so let this be a lesson to all Canadians.  If you are considering a career as a fisherman or logger, suck it up and join the Mounties instead.

Wedding season is upon us.  Recently squeer! Chelsea – PETA Protector tied the knot, and soon one of Thundersquee!’s own, hag extraordinaire Cait will be following suit, so it felt like time for another wedding themed post. NPR recently did a list of their picks for the least appropriate wedding songs, and while they didn’t get it wrong, they could have done better, and their list was all too brief.  Here’s a quick recap of NPR’s choices:

• Send in the Clowns – Judy Collins
• You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’ - The Righteous Brothers
• Just a Gigolo – Louis Prima
• The Lady is a Tramp – Frank Sinatra
• La donna e mobile from Rigoletto – Verdi Translation: “Anyone who trusts her is always wretched; he who opens his heart to her is lacking in caution.”

They’re all sound choices, but we think you can do much better.  Here are a few additions to get you started.

• Another One Bites the Dust – Queen
• 99 Problems – Ice-T (or Jay-Z)
• D-I-V-O-R-C-E – Tammy Wynette
• The Thrill is Gone – B.B. King
• Gold Digger – Kanye West
• Suspicious Minds – Elvis Presley

Add yours in the comments.

National Geographic once conducted a survey among people ages 18-24 in nine countries to test their geography skills. Of those 9 countries, Mexico came in last, but rounding out the bottom rungs were The U.S., Canada and the UK.  Don’t we all feel like Super-Powers now?  In an attempt to catch us all up and repair our wounded sense of superiority, here’s my list of countries no one has ever heard of.  I hadn’t heard of most of these countries either.  I had to look them up, which isn’t easy when you don’t know what you’re looking for.

10. Cape Verde

9.  Vanuatu

8.  Nauru

7. Wales

6.  Kiribati

5. São Tomé & Príncipe

4. Tuvalu

3. Benin

2. Lesotho

1. Palau

Is there anything left that doesn’t want to feast on the facial flesh of our children?  Last night I was working away on a dog-proof suit when an IM containing a link came my way.  Imagine my surprise when I clicked the link and found that computers want to eat babies, too.  I wanted to read the entire article, but my neighbor has small children and I was concerned the danger would leak out of my computer and tear their faces off before I could stop it.  Then I remembered that they have a Miniature Pinscher which means their kids probably don’t have faces anyway, so I kept on reading.

According to BBC News, “Home computer-related injuries have increased more than sevenfold, with children hurt most often.”  If you’re like me, you’re probably wondering what kind of parent allows their toddler to type so long they develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, but the computer injuries to which they refer are far more sinister than Repetitive Stress Injuries and reveal the spiteful nature of  these seemingly benign machines.

These injuries involve cables tripping children, monitors bashing them on the head, and in one particularly heartless and cruel instance, bursting into flames and burning an innocent 6 year-old child who was merely trying to give the family computer a drink of water.  In all, 78,000 children have been attacked by computers in the last 13 years.  In the U.S.–alone.  I believe I’ve mentioned before that statistics scare me.

I read further to assuage my fears–hoping an expert could tell me how to save the children. But their experts, Dr. Self-Serving and Captain Obvious only told me that “further research is needed” and “the number of accidents have increased as the number of people who own computers increased,” respectively.  So, having come away from all of this with no real assurance that the machines won’t rise up and bite the heads off all babies, I decided to calm myself a bit then compose a list of helpful hints for you, dear Squeers!.

Thundersquee!’s Guide to Ensuring Your Child is Not Killed by a Computer

• Do not drop your computer on your child’s head.
• Do not drop your monitor on your child’s head.
• In fact, as a general rule, avoid dropping things on your child’s head, regardless of whether or not they are computer related.
• Do not lay cords across your child’s path then coax him to run to you (especially if there is a dog after him).
• Computers contain no edible parts.
• A 3 year-old cannot repair a power supply unit with a butter knife.
• Never run down a flight of steps with your pants around your ankles while carrying your baby and a 24″ monitor.
• Do not allow your child to hone his Spidey skills using cables hanging from your desk.
• Electrical cords are not teething aids.
• A computer is not a tub toy.

I hope this helps, otherwise I’m afraid all hope is lost.  I also hope dogs never learn to use computers, because if they do we’re doomed.  Thoroughly, thoroughly doomed.

Adorable eater of faces

Usually when it’s a slow news day you get “Dog Bites Man” type stories, but one Knoxville news source seems to be confused about the placement of that “s.”  In what one can only hope was the result of an attempt at running the most inane story ever to have existed, or a bet either won or lost,  WBIR.com devoted time and space to a “news” story warning people dogs can bite.  No, really–a serious news piece.  The opening paragraph reads as follows:

“They can be cute and cuddly, but even friendly dogs can be unpredictable, warns the American College of Emergency Physicians (ACEP).”

First, thanks for that warning, American College of Emergency Physicians. I look forward to future press releases about the dangers involved in setting yourself on fire, and possibly an official announcement on the importance of breathing.

Second, thanks for collapsing that acronym for me, WBIR.  I wouldn’t have been able to do it on my own.  Granted, I was still reeling from that mind blowing revelation.

Third, great,  now I’m worried about the children.  You told me they suffered the highest rate of being bitten, and that, in fact, millions of children get bitten each year. In the U.S.–alone.  Statistics frighten me.

If you’re  a parent or potential parent who has never encountered a dog, you’re surely as alarmed as I am and want to know what you can do to prevent your children from being bitten. If you are a parent who also owns dogs, chances are your child has been mauled on several occasions already and this isn’t news to you at all, but you’re probably dying to know how to save little Timmy’s good eye.   You’re in luck, because WBIR has included handy tips on how to avoid a canine savaging.

The most helpful of these tips is “Just stay away from them if you can.” However, my personal favorite is, “If knocked over by a dog, roll into a ball, lie still and cover your head if possible.”  I’m keeping that one in my wallet to refer to daily.  They also say you should NOT scream or run from a dog.

From this I conclude that you should avoid all dogs, but if you can’t, lie down in the fetal position and quietly allow yourself to be eaten.  As I said, the first part is helpful, but the last part doesn’t seem to help Timmy at all, let alone save his remaining eye.  So, as a service to our readers, I will go the extra mile and offer some useful Do’s and Don’t’s to help keep your child out of harm’s way.

Thundersquee!’s Guide to Preventing Your Child from Becoming a Chew Toy

Dog refusing to bite baby coated in bitter apple

1. Don’t ever use a strange dog as a wet nurse.

2. Do coat your baby in something distasteful or toxic to dogs.

3. Don’t dress your toddler like a cat. It can neither run like a cat nor scratch like a cat,  so don’t make dogs think it is a cat.

4. If you own a terrier, don’t dress your child as a mouse.

5. In fact, don’t dress your child as anything a dog might naturally want to kill.

Bad idea

6. Don’t, and I can’t emphasize this enough,  bathe your child in beef stock.

7. Do institute a strict anti-poking policy. Don’t poke dogs with things, sharp or otherwise.

8. Do dress your child in a bite suit–always.

9. Do keep a slow moving decoy child with you at all times.  Babysitting pays, if you know what I mean.

10. Finally, if you absolutely MUST own a dog, and at this point, isn’t that just asking for it? Do talk to Sarah; she can recommend a vet that is all too willing to pull its teeth.

If you follow these helpful hints yet fate and statistics still seem to have it in for you–and Timmy’s eye–WBIR provides what is probably the handiest of all their tips:  If your child is bitten, “seek medical attention.” For those who might need more, I offer, “call 911.”

Not Porn?

While researching something about Orson Welles recently, I happened across a movie title that sent me into a little giggle fit and made me realize how porn like so many movie titles seem if you remove their context–or add a different one. Once my inner 12 year old has broken free she’s hard to reel back  in, so instead of fighting her (She’d just give me an eye roll and some dramatic sass anyway),  I decided to give her something productive to do.  So here are the 10 movie titles I think most sound like they should be porn.

10. The Talented Mr. Ripley

9. Some Like it Hot

8. The Dirty Dozen

7. The Last Boy Scout

6. Girl Interrupted

5. Splendor in the Grass

4. The 400 Blows

3. Deep Impact

2. The Midnight Meat Train

1. Too Much Johnson (The movie title that started it all.)

Share yours in the comments.

NPR’s Linda Holmes created a list of the ten worst jobs for Wolverine.  It’s a pretty good list:

1. Balloon-animal artist

2. High-voltage electrician

3. Prop comic/juggler

4. Obstetrician

5. Deep-tissue masseur

6. Dental hygienist

7. Ship-in-a-bottle assembler

8. TSA screener

9. Attendant in library rare-books room

10. Quality assurance inspector, gossamer scarves

But, we think you can do better. What would go on your list?

Nothing ruins a morning more than the answer to “Who pissed in your cereal?” being “Chateau Latour.”  (An embarrassing Cabernet mustache was a close second, but thanks to Bedbugs and Ballyhoo those days are over.) But, the world of wine can be a bit daunting, and tasting classes require you to actually spit out the wine. In the Thunderverse that isn’t just insanity; it’s a crime.   So as a service to you, our beloved readers, we bring you the Thundersquee! Mini-Guide to Breakfast Wine.  May your days always start off on the right foot, however wobbly that foot may be.

Cocoa Puffs and Malmsey Madeira: Chocolate is often difficult to pair with wines, but Madeira’s combination of acidity and sweetness works extremely well. We suggest Broadbent Madeira Malmsey 10 Years Old.  It’s moderately priced, highly rated, and guaranteed to bring out the cuckoo in your Cocoa Puffs.

Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries and Muscadet: We recommend Remy Pannier Muscadet 2005.  It’s less expensive than its comparable cousin, Chéreau-Carré Muscadet de Sèvre et Maine Sur Lie Château de Chasseloir 2002, but above all you’ll still be able to pronounce it after the second glass.

Honey Bunches of Oats and a Tawny Port: As most Australians will tell you–at great length–the Australians make some fine wines.  Try Hardys Whiskers Blake Tawny Port NV.  For less than $15 you get a great Tawny Port and the ability to say “Yes, I know.” to your Australian friends, thus saving you an hours long lecture on the Australian wine industry–a bargain at any price.  Note: Another tactic is to tell your Australian friends their wine is crap.   Australians can sometimes be a bit forceful when making a point and they will send you wine for decades to prove you wrong.  In fact, forget the “Yes, I know” tactic mentioned earlier.  This is a far better option.

Fruit Loops and Orange Muscat: Electra is an amazing wine that pairs perfectly with fruit.  However, it’s only 4% alcohol. So, while it won’t help you forget your daddy issues, it might keep you from swerving in and out of the carpool lane.  Besides, there’s always the comfort of knowing lunch time martinis aren’t too far away.

Raisin Bran with Oloroso Sherry: Bodegas Dios Baco Oloroso Jerez Sherry From Spain NV is a lovely fortified wine that pairs well with raisins and spice, which lends it a breakfast versatility the other wines lack.  Splash out and try it with a cinnamon roll or a coffee cake.  It also has the added benefit of blending in with the cooking wine labels, so no one is the wiser if you keep them on the same shelf. There are so many advantages to this Sherry that we have practically fallen in love.  Its only drawback is that it’s not available in boxes, oh and possibly the name, but that can be turned into a positive by creating amusing nicknames for it. “Baco Juice” springs to mind…

We hope this advice helps make all your mornings a little more pleasant, and puts a list in your step. But, please remember to drink responsibly and take due care. Wine stains are hell to remove from a linen table cloth.