Some of the hags recently had a Facebook conversation wherein Cait mentioned that we would definitely rescue Stopthemadness from Albanian kidnappers, a la Taken. Obviously, I thoroughly agreed, and it made me jokingly mention a hag movie, which then led to wonder who I would want to play me.  I thought that would be a pretty easy question to answer, but it brought up a lot more questions for me, instead. Should I go with an actress who looks like an idealized version of me, or someone who has range and can portray me in an honest and fairly accurate way? What about someone whose personality is close to my own, but requires a lot of work to look like me (padding, for a start)?  Should I stick to the current pool of actresses or open things up to include everyone? Maybe I should just  go with someone I think kicks ass.  This should be easier!

I decided to stick with modern actresses, but those who at least share the same coloring as me are sparse.  I have brown hair and blue eyes, and while the first actress that comes to mind is Angelina Jolie, fuck that.  Yes, she’s gorgeous and intelligent, and maybe I would choose her if she were still the Angelina Jolie she was in Hackers, but now she’s too thin, too perfect and too beautiful.  Megan Fox also has dark hair and blue eyes, but hell to the motherfucking no.  After a series of ideas all ending in “no,”  I finally decided to scrap the eye color criteria  (Contact lenses for the win!), and was able to figure it out.  So here’s my choice.

Rachel Weisz:

Who would you choose to play you?

Yesterday we brought you 10 Actresses You Won’t Mind Your Daughters Looking Up To, and today, as promised,  we bring you their opposites. This list was harder to compile than one might think, but it also requires less explanation.  To that end I’ll let the pictures do the talking.

Here’s our list.

Paris Hilton	Britney Spears	Tara Reid
Sienna Miller	Michelle Rodriguez	Lindsay Lohan
Mischa Barton	Winona Ryder	Courtney Love
	Vanessa Hudgens

In no particular order…

Angela Bassett

Education: B.A. African American Studies, Yale University; M.F.A. Yale School of Drama
Fluencies: English
Causes: Youth Arts Programs, UNICEF

Notable Awards and Accomplishments:

• UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador
• Full scholarship to Yale
• 1993, Golden Globe Award Winner – Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy, What’s Love Got to Do With It
• 1994, Academy Award Nominee – Best Actress in a Leading Role, What’s Love Got to Do with It
• 2002, Emmy Nominee – Outstanding Lead Actress in a Mini-Series/Television Movie, The Rosa Parks Story
• 2008, Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame

_______________________

Mira Sorvino

Education: B.A. (magna cum laude) East Asian Studies, Harvard University
Fluencies: English, Mandarin, French
Causes: Amnesty International

Notable Awards and Accomplishments:

• 1989, Hoopes Prize – For her thesis on racial conflict in China
• 1995, Academy Award Winner – Best Supporting Actress, Mighty Aphrodite
• Golden Globe Award Winner – Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture, Mighty Aphrodite
• BAFTA Award Nominee – Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture, Mighty Aphrodite
• Emmy & Golden Globe Award Nominee,  Norma Jean & Marilyn
• Mirasorvone, a compound excreted by the sunburst diving beetle as a defensive mechanism, was named in her honor after she portrayed an entomologist in Mimic.

_______________________

Natalie Portman

Education: B.A. Psychology, Harvard University
Fluencies: English, Hebrew, French, Japanese, Arabic and German
Causes: Animal rights, the environment, FINCA International, Israel

Notable Awards and Accomplishments:

• 1998, High school paper A Simple Method To Demonstrate the Enzymatic Production of Hydrogen from Sugar was entered in the Intel Science Talent Search and published in Journal of Chemical Education
• 1998, Tony Nomination – Best Actress, The Diary of Anne Frank
• 2002, Co-authored – Frontal Lobe Activation During Object Permanence: Data from Near-Infrared Spectroscopy
• 2004, pursued graduate studies at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem
• 2004, Golden Globe Winner – Best Supporting Actress, Closer
• 2004, Academy Award Nominee – Best Supporting Actress, Closer
• 2004, BAFTA Nominee – Best Supporting Actress, Closer
• 2006, she appeared as a guest lecturer at a Columbia University course in terrorism and counterterrorism

_______________________

Danica McKellar

Education: B.S. (summa cum laude) Mathematics, UCLA
Fluencies: English, French
Causes: Making math and science more accessible to young girls.

Notable Awards and Accomplishments:

• 1998, Co-Author – Percolation and Gibbs states multiplicity for ferromagnetic Ashkin-Teller models on Z²
• 2007, Author – Math Doesn’t Suck: How to Survive Middle-School Math without Losing Your Mind or Breaking a Nail
• 2008, Author – Kiss My Math: Showing Pre-Algebra Who’s Boss

_______________________

Rachel Weisz

Education: Bachelors Degree in English, Trinity College, University of Cambridge
Fluencies: English, German
Causes: The Constant Gardener Trust, It’s Only Make Believe (bringing theater to hospitalized children), Pediatric Epilepsy Project

Notable Awards and Accomplishments:

• 2006, Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress, The Constant Gardener
• 2006, Golden Globe Award for Best Supporting Actress, The Constant Gardener
• 2006, BAFTA Best Actress in a Leading Role, The Constant Gardener

_______________________

America Ferrera

Education: B.A. International Relations, USC
Fluencies: English, Spanish
Causes: Save the Children, AIDS Healthcare Foundation, Cancer research, Peace Games, Smiles for Success (dental care for women trying to get off welfare)

Notable Awards and Accomplishments:

• 2007 Golden Globe Award Winner – Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series – Comedy or Musical (Also nominated in 2008 and 2009), Ugly Betty
• 2007, Emmy Award Winner – Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series (Also nominated in 2008 and 2009), Ugly Betty
• 2007 Time Magazine – 100 Most Influential People

_______________________

Lucy Liu

Education: B.A. Asian Languages and Cultures, University of Michigan
Fluencies: English, Mandarin, Italian, Spanish and Japanese
Causes: International AIDS issues, human rights, UNICEF, breast cancer research

Notable Awards and Accomplishments:

• Graduated from New York’s Stuyvesant High School
• Plays the accordion
• Accomplished visual artist having shown in the US and Germany
• Won Grant to study art in China
• First Asian-American female to host Saturday Night Live
• 1999, Emmy Nomination – Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series, Ally McBeal

_______________________

Julia Stiles

Education: B.A. English Literature, Columbia University
Fluencies: English, German, Spanish and some Italian
Causes: Habitat for Humanity, Amnesty International, children’s issues, Rock the Vote

Notable Awards and Accomplishments:

• Has built houses in Costa Rica for the underprivileged
• Board of Directors of Amend.org, a New York-based nonprofit that implements childhood injury prevention programs in Africa
• Made her directorial debut at 2007 Tribeca Film Festival with her short film Ravings

_______________________

Aisha Tyler

Education: B.S. Government with a minor in Environmental Policy, Dartmouth University
Fluencies: English, French, Russian and Swahili
Causes: Breast Cancer

Notable Awards and Accomplishments:

• 2004, Author – Swerve: A Guide to the Sweet Life for Postmodern Girls
• Plays on the World Poker Tour in the Hollywood Home games for the Childhelp USA charity
• Regular contributor to various magazines
• NAACP Image Award

Jodie Foster

Education: B.A. (magna cum laude) Literature, Yale University
Fluencies: English, French, German

Notable Awards and Accomplishments:

• Graduated from a French-speaking prep school and was class Valedictorian
• Founded her own production company before the age of 30
• Has an asteroid named in her honor
• Dubs the French versions of her movies herself
• It would take a couple days to list the awards Jodie Foster has won.  Suffice it to say, she was first nominated for an Academy Award in 1976 at the age of 14 for her performance as Iris in Taxi Driver and has since won 2, one for The Accused and another for Silence of the Lambs, and has an arm load of other nominations.

How’d we do?  Tomorrow we’ll bring you the 10 worst.

They made us laugh, they made us cry, and occasionally they put us to sleep. And  that was just on the red carpet. Now it’s time for Thundersquee! to return the favor with our  SQUEE!, Meh and Fail picks for the 81st Academy Awards.

On with The FAIL…

Beyonce

CAIT: she looked like an 80s bachelor pad come to life, all black lacquer and framed posters of corvettes next to leather couches and a nagel print.
LILY THE PINK: This outfit demands a ceramic leopard and Billy Dee Williams waiting by the fire.
LISA(#1): STOP LETTING YOUR MOTHER MAKE YOUR CLOTHES. SHE CLEARLY HATES YOU. Ah hem. Bey, let me give you a hint: every time your mom gives you a dress, take it to someone else and say, “make the anti-this.”
MAE: I see mom’s still designing her wardrobe.
STOPTHEMADNESS: My eyes, my eyes!  Tommy Bahama is not couture.  I repeat, it is not couture.

Heidi Klum

CAIT: I know it’s meant to be 2009’s new couture look, but FAIL.
LILY THE PINK: I think Heidi is trying to teach us a lesson in how tasteless sluts dressed 20 years ago while showing off her entire line of jewelry. I just wish she had gone with really big hair.
LISA(#1): If a slutty third grader found some Boons Farm, fabric and a gluegun, this is what you would get. Heidi was wearing like eleventy billion dollars worth of jewlery. That, my friends, is what you call guilding a turd.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Somebody Klum me in, but I wasn’t aware that one could wear origami.  And I don’t know what the hell is going on with that jewelry, but I want to riddle it with bullets, courtesy of my trusty AK-47.

Miley Cyrus

CAIT: This dress barely weighs more than her ego.
LILY THE PINK: Did Disney and Dolly Parton combine forces to design this dress?
LISA(#1): You know sometimes I forget she is only 16. But then I see this. A dress, with tiered petals, all sparkly, a keyhole back and embroidery. Only a 16-year-old would think it wise to throw a belt on that shit. Because it wasn’t busy enough.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Please go away. Go far far away and take Taylor Swift with you (I don’t know who the fuck Taylor Swift is and I don’t care; was she there? Again, with the not caring.). Never come back. No. NO. Do not talk back. JUST GO.

Jessica Biel

CAIT: Where Athena meets 420.
LILY THE PINK: She looks like she got high before she got in the limo, fell asleep on the way to the theater, then woke up as they opened the door for her and threw on the wrong shoes before stumbling on to the red carpet in search of snacks.
LISA(#1): Jessica. Your boob deflated. I think it happened when you were running away from a serial killer in the forest. Isn’t that what happened to your hair? Oh, look at the time, I have to set my Tivo.
MAE: Unkempt hair only works for Robert Pattinson.
STOPTHEMADNESS: You clearly just fucked the limo driver. Here’s a brush. And some mouthwash. Now please follow Miley Cyrus.  I told her to go away, and I’m going to need you to go with her.  Away.  Shut it! Just go and I won’t tell Justin anything about what I just saw.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman

CAIT: Puff puff pass.
LILY THE PINK: Uhhh, I’m guessing ill-timed hair transplant. Otherwise, there’s no excuse. Nope, never mind. There’s still no excuse.
LISA(#1): Is that the same beanie as you wore at Independent Spirit Awards? Ok, either it is glued on your head or you had an unfortunate hair-plug incident. Either way, you, sir, look like a semi-flacid dick with a too-tight black condom trying to slide over the top.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Pssst! Phil! YOU’RE AT THE FUCKING OSCARS! A BEANIE IS NOT APPROPRIATE!

Punch Drunk Free Pass:  Mickey Rourke

CAIT: I long for the days of “Diner.”  ‘Nough said.
LILY THE PINK: His dog story made the bad suit go away, so he’s forgiven.
LISA(#1): I know you want to be Johnny Depp. But I’ve seen Johnny Depp. You sir, are no Johnny Depp. No matter what your addled brains tell you. But you were so awesome in The Wrestler, can I have your autograph?
MAE: Your dog died, not you, and get an effin hair cut already!
STOPTHEMADNESS: AWWW!  But the wittle doggie!  And the aww…..  Well Mickey, it doesn’t excuse the teeth.  Meth explains them.  But the dog doesn’t excuse them.  I’m going to hell.  See you there.

WTF?: Sophia Loren

CAIT: I think Tonya Harding wore something similar in 1992
LILY THE PINK: There comes a point in every woman’s life when they need to call it quits and cover ‘em up.  Even if they still look 40.
LISA(#1): didn’t get to formally comment, but I’m pretty sure the word “Charo” would be included in her comments.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Sophia I will be blaming you when in 30 years I’m still being subjected to Basic Instinct peekaboo shots of Madonna’s vagina.  For the love of croutons, set an example.  Put it away.  You’ve been warned.

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