Dear parents and potential parents, or even people who don’t think they will ever be parents but might change their minds at some point in the future–naming your child is serious business. I mean it. So, please, do not express your sense of humor through your child’s name. Naming your child something funny only ensures that he or she will be the butt of the same joke for what will, to him, feel like an eternity. He may cope, and yes, the adversity could make him stronger, but it’s more probable that he will resent you, change his name, eventually disown you, and, after a lifetime of ridicule and humiliation, kill you in your sleep then burn down your home to hide his crime. If this happens, you have only yourselves to blame.

I speak up now because I was recently sent a link to a man’s website. His name was…well, Dick Bonar. Yes, it’s funny. Yes, I laughed, and yes, I felt kind of bad. We all know someone, or have heard of someone named something horrible–the world abounds with people named things like Earl E. Bird, Dick Trickle, Richard Smoker, and my personal favorite, Harry Ramsbottom–but imagine a lifetime of that, or, at the very least, a childhood. Do you really want to inflict that on your offspring? I didn’t think so. So to that end I’ve compiled a few quick questions to help guide you through the child naming process so that you might successfully avoid any of the bigger pitfalls.

1. Is your last name a color such as Brown, Green or Black? Do your children a favor and avoid anything that is a shade of the color of your last name. People will laugh at your twins Forest and Kelly Green when they pick up the paper and read the story of your murder.

2. Have you done your research? Is that name you consider so pretty actually the name of a disease or embarrassing medical term? Look it up. Candida may be lyrical and exotic sounding, but while it’s true that it is Latin for “light,” it’s also true that it’s the name of the fungus that causes jock itch, vaginal yeast infections and thrush.

3. Is the name you’re bandying about in your head outright stupid, a bad joke, or a terrible pun? Do you think naming your son “Justin Case,” or your daughter “Ima Pigg” is the pinnacle of hilarity? Don’t have children.

4. Are you leaning toward the name Harry for your son? Examine your last name. Would your last name, when combined with the name Harry, make 12 year olds titter? Is it Pitts, Butts, Bush, Cheeks, Biggins, Johnson, Cox or Ramsbottom? If so, rethink things.

5. Do you feel compelled to name your child Richard, Peter, William, James or John Thomas? Again, check your last name. Is it, or can it be construed to be, any word that might normally be used to modify, describe or otherwise complement the word “penis”? Some common examples would be: Stroker, Pullman, Head, Butkus, Long, Short, Small, Corker, Ramsbottom (in fact, if this is your last name just go ahead and change it), Striker, Bonar, Baker, Fuller, Hammer, Fuchs, Flicker, Packer, or Knotts. If your name was on that list or it’s currently dawning on you that whatever your last name is could be joined with the name “Jimmy” with amusing results, name your child something else.

I could go on all day, and this is not meant to be a definitive guide. There are far more trappings than I could possibly list, but these should get you thinking. If all else fails, let common sense and the fear of a fiery death be your guide.