During a debate yesterday on “Pay-As-You-Go” rules, Tennessee’s 7th District Congresswoman, Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R) was urging Congress to agree that PAYGO enforcement was necessary when this gem popped out of her mouth: “Let’s agree that we’re going to have PAYGO enforcement. That we’re not going to cry ‘emergency’ every time we have a Katrina…”

Maybe you can borrow Chris Brown’s “OOPS!” necklace, Marsha, because last time I checked, you represent Memphis, a city that is 65% black, and while I can say on behalf of all Tennesseans that you, Madame Congresswoman, are an idiot,  I can’t speak for the entire black population. However, I can consult our resident Angry Black Lady, and I bet she’ll agree that most black people would find this “boy who cried wolf” analogy insultingly ridiculous, if not outright demeaning.  Hell, most people would, regardless of color! But hold on, while I ask Angry Black Lady.

Angry Black Lady says, “You are no longer allowed to call yourself BLACKburn. Now please go burn in a fire.”

Yeah, I’d say you’ve pissed off Angry Black Lady, and given Cait and NFL Guy live in New Orleans, I’m betting you’re a little less welcome there now, too.

They made us laugh, they made us cry, and occasionally they put us to sleep. And  that was just on the red carpet. Now it’s time for Thundersquee! to return the favor with our  SQUEE!, Meh and Fail picks for the 81st Academy Awards.

On with The FAIL…

Beyonce

CAIT: she looked like an 80s bachelor pad come to life, all black lacquer and framed posters of corvettes next to leather couches and a nagel print.
LILY THE PINK: This outfit demands a ceramic leopard and Billy Dee Williams waiting by the fire.
LISA(#1): STOP LETTING YOUR MOTHER MAKE YOUR CLOTHES. SHE CLEARLY HATES YOU. Ah hem. Bey, let me give you a hint: every time your mom gives you a dress, take it to someone else and say, “make the anti-this.”
MAE: I see mom’s still designing her wardrobe.
STOPTHEMADNESS: My eyes, my eyes!  Tommy Bahama is not couture.  I repeat, it is not couture.

Heidi Klum

CAIT: I know it’s meant to be 2009’s new couture look, but FAIL.
LILY THE PINK: I think Heidi is trying to teach us a lesson in how tasteless sluts dressed 20 years ago while showing off her entire line of jewelry. I just wish she had gone with really big hair.
LISA(#1): If a slutty third grader found some Boons Farm, fabric and a gluegun, this is what you would get. Heidi was wearing like eleventy billion dollars worth of jewlery. That, my friends, is what you call guilding a turd.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Somebody Klum me in, but I wasn’t aware that one could wear origami.  And I don’t know what the hell is going on with that jewelry, but I want to riddle it with bullets, courtesy of my trusty AK-47.

Miley Cyrus

CAIT: This dress barely weighs more than her ego.
LILY THE PINK: Did Disney and Dolly Parton combine forces to design this dress?
LISA(#1): You know sometimes I forget she is only 16. But then I see this. A dress, with tiered petals, all sparkly, a keyhole back and embroidery. Only a 16-year-old would think it wise to throw a belt on that shit. Because it wasn’t busy enough.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Please go away. Go far far away and take Taylor Swift with you (I don’t know who the fuck Taylor Swift is and I don’t care; was she there? Again, with the not caring.). Never come back. No. NO. Do not talk back. JUST GO.

Jessica Biel

CAIT: Where Athena meets 420.
LILY THE PINK: She looks like she got high before she got in the limo, fell asleep on the way to the theater, then woke up as they opened the door for her and threw on the wrong shoes before stumbling on to the red carpet in search of snacks.
LISA(#1): Jessica. Your boob deflated. I think it happened when you were running away from a serial killer in the forest. Isn’t that what happened to your hair? Oh, look at the time, I have to set my Tivo.
MAE: Unkempt hair only works for Robert Pattinson.
STOPTHEMADNESS: You clearly just fucked the limo driver. Here’s a brush. And some mouthwash. Now please follow Miley Cyrus.  I told her to go away, and I’m going to need you to go with her.  Away.  Shut it! Just go and I won’t tell Justin anything about what I just saw.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman

CAIT: Puff puff pass.
LILY THE PINK: Uhhh, I’m guessing ill-timed hair transplant. Otherwise, there’s no excuse. Nope, never mind. There’s still no excuse.
LISA(#1): Is that the same beanie as you wore at Independent Spirit Awards? Ok, either it is glued on your head or you had an unfortunate hair-plug incident. Either way, you, sir, look like a semi-flacid dick with a too-tight black condom trying to slide over the top.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Pssst! Phil! YOU’RE AT THE FUCKING OSCARS! A BEANIE IS NOT APPROPRIATE!

Punch Drunk Free Pass:  Mickey Rourke

CAIT: I long for the days of “Diner.”  ‘Nough said.
LILY THE PINK: His dog story made the bad suit go away, so he’s forgiven.
LISA(#1): I know you want to be Johnny Depp. But I’ve seen Johnny Depp. You sir, are no Johnny Depp. No matter what your addled brains tell you. But you were so awesome in The Wrestler, can I have your autograph?
MAE: Your dog died, not you, and get an effin hair cut already!
STOPTHEMADNESS: AWWW!  But the wittle doggie!  And the aww…..  Well Mickey, it doesn’t excuse the teeth.  Meth explains them.  But the dog doesn’t excuse them.  I’m going to hell.  See you there.

WTF?: Sophia Loren

CAIT: I think Tonya Harding wore something similar in 1992
LILY THE PINK: There comes a point in every woman’s life when they need to call it quits and cover ‘em up.  Even if they still look 40.
LISA(#1): didn’t get to formally comment, but I’m pretty sure the word “Charo” would be included in her comments.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Sophia I will be blaming you when in 30 years I’m still being subjected to Basic Instinct peekaboo shots of Madonna’s vagina.  For the love of croutons, set an example.  Put it away.  You’ve been warned.

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They made us laugh, they made us cry, and occasionally they put us to sleep. And  that was just on the red carpet. Now it’s time for Thundersquee! to return the favor with our  SQUEE!, Meh and Fail picks for the 81st Academy Awards.

On with the SQUEE!…

Robert Downey Jr.

CAIT: Looks 30.  And awesome.
LILY THE PINK: That sound you heard when he stepped onto the red carpet was the sound of underwear around the world hitting the floor.  He’s back, and more doable than ever.
LISA(#1): Oh my. Close cut,  grey lapel, subtle stripe, a little shine and a pocket square? Um, pardon me, I have to, uh, take Gwennie’s advice and practice some self-massage.
MAE: I’ll take an RDJ poster above my bed for 1,000 alex.
STOPTHEMADNESS: The man has snorted half of Colombia in his lifetime, and yet he doesn’t look much older than he did portraying Julian in Less Than Zero.  So here’s what I’m thinking.  He might actually be black.  Remember, black don’t crack.  Now excuse me, I need to take off my pants and go full retard.

Taraji P. Henson

CAIT: Benjamin who??
LILY THE PINK: I loved everything about her from hair to toes. Actually, I didn’t see her toes. Her toes are the The Reader of this outfit.
LISA(#1): She has be owning this awards season, so don’t take it lightly when I say this is her best yet. There was something a little “tattered aristocracy” that played so well off that modern bob. Dibs on that necklace!
MAE: I’d do her.
STOPTHEMADNESS: I hate the fucking Button movie.  Let me just say that and say it again.  I hate the fucking Button movie.  I love Taraji P. Henson, however, and everything she stands for.  She looked fabulous.

John Legend

CAIT: Meow.  That’s all I’m sayin’.
LILY THE PINK: The mocha two button tux stood out in the best possible way, much like his date’s breasts.  Also, pocket square, tie-clip–well done! Now I’m craving hot cocoa.  John…?
LISA(#1): mmmmm chocolately perfection. Layers, layers people! No? How about, brown is the new black? No? Ok, Legend is classy with a tie-clip and cool with mocha.
STOPTHEMADNESS: I would so lick the nutmeg off his ladle.

Meryl Streep

CAIT: Not a fan of the hair, but the dress kills.
LILY THE PINK: She once said The Devil Wears Prada taught her to care how she looked at these things, and I think 15 Oscar nominations and this dress attest to how well Streep does something when she cares about it.
LISA(#1): She can be a little hit or miss, because, let’s face it, she is too good for this crap. It is nice when she mixes with the mortals and shows them pure, effing, class. The grey is stunning with her complexion. Eat that starlets!
MAE: Elegance epitomized.
STOPTHEMADNESS: She’s Meryl.  She can do no wrong.  She just also happens to look fabulous.  You know what else looks fabulous?  Her crow’s feet.  Women over 40 are supposed to have crow’s feet.  Crow’s feet, I say!  Show me your crow’s feet or get the hell out!  Excuse me, I lost my head.  What was I saying?  Right.  Meryl.  Gorgeous.  She kills it here.  This is how one ages gracefully.  You hear that, Ms. Kidman?  KIDMAN GET OUT UNTIL YOU SHOW ME SOME CROW’S FEET!  I’m sorry.  Again, this is about crow’s feet.  I mean Meryl Streep.

Natalie Portman

CAIT: This gal knows how to rock a red carpet.  Dayamn.
LILY THE PINK: I love Natalie Portman, and I think she looks great, but I have one complaint. The beading on the bodice of her dress makes her look like her boobs are just waking up from a little nap.  I’m almost waiting for her to yawn from her bellybutton.
LISA(#1): The color is beautiful (and making Alicia Keys jealous) and the cut is perfect for her. I would just like to raise my concerns with the bedazzling – the placement makes her boobs look like Paris’ eye. A bit wonky.
STOPTHEMADNESS: I love Natalie.  She looks fabulous.  I loved her in the Professional.  She was a cute kid and now she’s a gorgeous woman.  Also, she shaved her head for V for Vendetta.  It takes a hot piece of Harvard ass to look good with no hair.

Portman: 1.  All of You: 0.

Honorable Mention: Hugh Jackman

CAIT: Christ on a golden crouton!
LILY THE PINK: A golden crouton, a cracker, a crutch and a pogo stick.
LISA(#1): He is perfection. Singing, dancing, accented perfection. I can’t remember what he was wearing – it is just a blur of a charming smile. Sigh.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Wolverine might be gay.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Ability to Stop Time Award: Phoebe Cates

CAIT: This lady is Kevin Kline’s “Date with an Angel.” That’s right, I made a terrible 80s pun. And?
LILY THE PINK: I bet Judge Reinhold is sitting at home beating off.
LISA(#1): Seriously, she should just walk around in a red string bikini, always. Oh, and she had my FAVE accessory of the night – an arrow hair pin.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Look I’m not crazy about the cut of the dress—it’s a bit geisha girl for me—but Christ floating in a bowl of Cheerios, she looks fantastic.  Fast Times at Ridgemont High fantastic.  Like I’d hit that, fantastic.   And I simply love her and Kevin Kline together.  Especially Kevin Kline.  ::smells armpit::

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