Is there anything left that doesn’t want to feast on the facial flesh of our children?  Last night I was working away on a dog-proof suit when an IM containing a link came my way.  Imagine my surprise when I clicked the link and found that computers want to eat babies, too.  I wanted to read the entire article, but my neighbor has small children and I was concerned the danger would leak out of my computer and tear their faces off before I could stop it.  Then I remembered that they have a Miniature Pinscher which means their kids probably don’t have faces anyway, so I kept on reading.

According to BBC News, “Home computer-related injuries have increased more than sevenfold, with children hurt most often.”  If you’re like me, you’re probably wondering what kind of parent allows their toddler to type so long they develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, but the computer injuries to which they refer are far more sinister than Repetitive Stress Injuries and reveal the spiteful nature of  these seemingly benign machines.

These injuries involve cables tripping children, monitors bashing them on the head, and in one particularly heartless and cruel instance, bursting into flames and burning an innocent 6 year-old child who was merely trying to give the family computer a drink of water.  In all, 78,000 children have been attacked by computers in the last 13 years.  In the U.S.–alone.  I believe I’ve mentioned before that statistics scare me.

I read further to assuage my fears–hoping an expert could tell me how to save the children. But their experts, Dr. Self-Serving and Captain Obvious only told me that “further research is needed” and “the number of accidents have increased as the number of people who own computers increased,” respectively.  So, having come away from all of this with no real assurance that the machines won’t rise up and bite the heads off all babies, I decided to calm myself a bit then compose a list of helpful hints for you, dear Squeers!.

Thundersquee!’s Guide to Ensuring Your Child is Not Killed by a Computer

• Do not drop your computer on your child’s head.
• Do not drop your monitor on your child’s head.
• In fact, as a general rule, avoid dropping things on your child’s head, regardless of whether or not they are computer related.
• Do not lay cords across your child’s path then coax him to run to you (especially if there is a dog after him).
• Computers contain no edible parts.
• A 3 year-old cannot repair a power supply unit with a butter knife.
• Never run down a flight of steps with your pants around your ankles while carrying your baby and a 24″ monitor.
• Do not allow your child to hone his Spidey skills using cables hanging from your desk.
• Electrical cords are not teething aids.
• A computer is not a tub toy.

I hope this helps, otherwise I’m afraid all hope is lost.  I also hope dogs never learn to use computers, because if they do we’re doomed.  Thoroughly, thoroughly doomed.