Our favorite smug elitist is allegedly angry over being left off the Iron Man 2 posters.  According to The Sun, she thinks Scarlett Johansson is stealing her thunder (much like she stole Shakespeare in Love from Winona Ryder. Ahhh, frienemies).  The Sun quotes a source as saying:

“Gwyneth was afraid she’d be upstaged by Scarlett and not being in the campaign was the final straw.

“She is furious she’s been left out.”

Gwyneth’s publicist denies the rumors, saying:

“She was not at all upset.

“The fans will get to see more of Pepper Potts as we get closer to the film’s release next May.”

Two things: 1) Even if she is pissed, well, look at the photos of the two characters.  Who do you think is going to sell more tickets?  It’s not that Gwyneth is physically unattractive.  It’s just that Scarlett Johansson’s character plays into far more fantasies. The more money the movie makes, the more it benefits Gwyneth.  2) Gwyneth always “laughs off” this sort of thing and 99% of the time it turns out to have been true, so for now, we’re going to add petty to pissed and pouty.

In sadder news, it will be next summer before this hits the screens and we get to see RDJ be his badass self.

It would seem that Scarlett Johansson and Gwyneth Paltrow now have more in common than being blond actresses with roles in Ironman 2 and husbands who are the subjects of the same queen.  According to the Daily Mail, for her turn in Ironman 2 Johansson has decided to drop her curves and go hardbody. So far she’s lost 14 pounds, and it’s all thanks to GOOPy Gwyn’s workout friend, Tracy Anderson. While in reality I have no idea why the voluptuous Scarjo would suddenly decide the thing that distinguishes her from the stick figure actresses of Hollywood needs to be blotted from existence, I can’t help but imagine the scenario went something like this.

SCENE 1 -  March 19, 2008. The Johansson-Reynolds living room.  Johansson is lounging on a sofa, knocking back shots of heavy cream while intermittently gnawing on a turkey leg.  A Macbook Pro sits on her lap as she types an email to BFF President Obama. As she wonders aloud if “Laissez-faire” has one “s” or two, her laptop dings to signify a new email.

Johansson: YAY! This week’s GOOP Newsletter is here! I love GOOP.  One day I’m going to be just like Gwyneth Paltrow, who is going to be just like Madonna, so I will be as famous as Madonna by proxy!

(She clicks.) As Scarlett reads, her eyes grow wide–her jaw drops. The turkey leg tumbles onto her ample bosom that’s now heaving in sync with her growing anger.

Johansson: GWYNETH, YOU BITCH! I ate the poussins, I made the lava cake, I ingested the goose fat drenched in hollandaise, and NOW you’re telling me I should care about the size of my butt? You duplicitous hussy. (This is a universal reaction to Paltrow’s two-faced nature.)

SCENE 2 – Cut to a week later.  After seven days of sustaining herself on little more than seitan Scarlett is weak, desperate and craving poussins.  Her ass has begun to haunt her every waking thought and she is suffering caper induced hallucinations. She can no longer move from the sofa.

Johansson: Must…get thin…help. me. GOOP.  Shut up wallabies! Butt…not fat!  Huh? NO!  Don’t. own.talking.wallabies. AH! Stupid Gwyneth! Wait, no. Gwynnie friend..Gwynnie frienie. Haha, Gwynniefrieniegwyniefrieniegwyniefrienie  (cackles, falls over, then slides onto the floor). Oh hey! Laptop! (laptop dings to indicate new email). Goooooop!

(She clicks, reads and is quickly sobered by Gwyneth’s latest missive.)

Johansson: OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!  Someone get Tracy Anderson on the phone. Gwyn says I’ve got to exercise. And bring me a goddamned pouissin, stat!

OK, fine, this scenario might seem far-fetched, but what else explains why  Scarjo, who was not fat, would think she is and hire a criminal nut job to aid in the destruction of her public and self images.  After all, Tracy Anderson made Madonna look like this:

And she apparently makes Gwyneth Paltrow lactate.

Why, Scarjo?  Why?