We hags understand that celebrating in style requires more cash than most grad students have on hand, but we still want Janet to have the best birthday possible, because she is awesome.  Realizing that Gwyneth Paltrow is a veritable font of advice on economically minded elitism, we felt certain she’d have a few ideas to make Janet’s day of revelry more enjoyable. So we headed to the internet with only one question in mind: “What would Gwyneth do?”

After an exhausting 10 minutes of thoroughly studying The Way of Paltrow, we feel eminently qualified to dispense the birthday advice we are sure she would give Janet if she weren’t contemptuous of her relative poverty. So, here it is.  May it make your day a little brighter, Janet.

Gwynnie’s Guide to Living Large without Much Large

Fine Dining: Dining out at top ranked restaurants can be expensive, but killing and eating a top ranked chef is free. It’s like there’s a Michelin Star in every bite.

Note: This can get a little messy, so you might need to buy a box of those things the lady who cleans things uses to put things we don’t want in. Whatever they’re called…You know, the big, plastic bag type things the big truck takes away. Anyway, I don’t think they’re expensive because she buys them, and I pay her so I know how much she earns, and she doesn’t seem to steal from us, so how much can they actually cost?

Fine Arts: Obviously poor people can’t afford to go to the ballet, but I think they at least know about it, right? Do you know about the ballet?  If so, you could pretend you’re at the ballet, or pretend you’re a beautiful ballerina. SO thin…SO pretty…I do this all the time, and I’m not even poor!

Personal fulfillment: Whenever important people (anyone richer than you) are around, ignore the little people (anyone less rich than you), and make jokes at their expense. Social climbing is almost as fun as Kabbalah.

And finally I’d like to leave you with my personal philosophy: “Condescension is always free.”  May it carry you as far as it has carried me.

Happy birthday, Janet! All joking aside, may it be the best ever, or at least in the top 5.