The biggest emotional roller coaster you’ll ride all day comes in the form of the best possible outcome to a mother’s worst nightmare. CCTV footage captured an Australian woman standing on a train platform losing control of the baby carriage holding her 6 month old child.  She’s forced to watch in horror as the carriage falls onto the track and is almost instantly hit by a train.  I know, you’re thinking “OMG, LILY DON’T TELL ME THIS!” But guess what!  The baby is fine!  This afternoon awesome is brought to you by the defiance of all odds and the number 7!

Last night I was mindin’ muh business, perusing Facebook, when an update appeared from my friend Rev. Random. The Rev usually has something interesting, insightful, or hilarious to say, so my natural inclination was to click the link.  I did, and that’s when all reason left me and I was unable to function or form words for the next several minutes.   What she linked to was this: A story about a Louisiana Justice of the Peace who refused to marry an interracial couple. After reading the first few sentences I twitched, I spasmed, I twitched again and grunted, then finally I let out a stream of expletives that only stopped when my brain shut down in either self-defense, or what might be the first documented case of Tourette’s Overload.

Note: I know many of my friends are in interracial relationships, or as I like to call them, relationships, so you might want to tape your head before reading.

In the article, Justice of the Peace Keith Bardwell states, “he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have. ” and that “it is his experience that most interracial marriages do not last long.”

That’s where I started twitching, but it wasn’t until after I tried to wrap my mind around his declaration that he wasn’t a racist that my brain broke. He said:

“I’m not a racist. I just don’t believe in mixing the races that way,” Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. “I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else.”

Recipe for cerebral hemorrhage : 1 part confusion, 1 part slack jawed awe at the absurdity, 2 parts anger, stir.

First of all, what the Jim Crow does he think racism is?  Had I just been transported back to 1950 when it was progressive to let black folk use whitey’s facilities? If so, why aren’t my boobs pointy?  Secondly, really, “piles of black friends”? Piles? Are they dead and piled in your basement?  Were they actually once white but turned black as they started to decay? And what the hell? Was he proud that he lets his black friends use his bathroom because he thinks you can catch black from a toilet seat? Does he actually live in the 18th century where he’s mistaking the smiling, singing, dark skinned people working his fields as friends?  “They’re singing, so they must like me!” Ahhhhh!!!!!!! *POOF*

I admit, I find his logic and defense of it so absurd it is actually funny, but the reality and repercussions of his act are anything but funny.  There may be some truth in what he says, but it’s only true because it’s a self-fulfilling truth.  It’s not always easy being in an interracial relationship, but it’s not the interracial relationship that’s the problem. The entirety of  the problem is other people thinking there’s something wrong with it! So as long as people like him take that stance it won’t be easy.

I could freak out about this for days, but instead I’ll just say, I hope he gets run over by the giant ball of racist crap he’s rolled up his non-existent slippery slope.

Occasionally a product comes along that you know is destined for greatness. This, dear squeers, is one of those products. It’s not often we stamp our giant Thundersquee! Squeel! of approval on something. We are some picky bitches, but try as we might, we can see no downside–except maybe that it has a portmanteau for a name, but if we can forgive Lewis Carroll, we can forgive this product.  After all, what has Carroll done for us lately? So without further ado, we introduce to you the Sqweel Oral Sex Simulator (batteries are even included). I wonder if we can get a Thundersquee! branded version…

These choices have very little to do with the songs themselves; these are videos that either  made the medium better through innovation, or made the songs better by capturing something or adding another dimension to it or to the artist. We allowed ourselves only one video from each artist or group because certain artists tend to be more video oriented. That made it much more difficult, and keeping it to 50 nearly proved to be lethal, but we made it!

Here they are, in no particular order. We hope you have as much fun with them as we did. Let us know what you think. What would you add to the list to make it more definitive?

The Avalanches – Frontier Psychiatrist
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8BWBn26bX0

Thom Yorke and UNKLE – Rabbit in Your Headlights
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3ClCwcCvdQ

Weezer – Buddy Holly
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiIC5qcXeNU

Art of Noise – Close to the Edit
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxidefcsjDc

Soundgarden – Black Hole Sun
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qiSkyEyBczU

Pulp – This is Hardcore
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BmL-7Y1kw8

Portishead – Glory Box
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yF-GvT8Clnk

Jamiroquai – Virtual Insanity
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJmX1z1NY2c

OK Go! – Here it Goes Again
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pv5zWaTEVkI

Fatboy Slim – Weapon of Choice
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZbckwYY9r4

Billy Joel – Pressure
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGksmlTWCFE

Talking Heads – Once in a Lifetime
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x12spb_talking-heads-once-in-a-lifetime_music

Outkast – The Whole World
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5UJjQt3bkM

Fiona Apple – Criminal
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTpvjNn2BUM

Nirvana – Heart Shaped Box
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SK7Ai9dWrRQ

Kaiser Chiefs – Everything is Average Nowadays
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpYj7-YMGqA

Timbaland and Magoo – Here We Come
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ial3ZY0rtpw

Madonna – Like a Prayer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uORcKfgVJaE

Chemical Brothers – Let Forever Be
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hmpxsk3dHaA

Peter Gabriel – Sledgehammer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqyc37aOqT0

Genesis – Land of Confusion
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oepXF2B5NK4

Beck – Loser
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1513185/beck_loser/

Beastie Boys – Intergalactic
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDS83yrM30Y

Super Furry Animals – It’s Not The End of the World?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUoc6Wv72cs

Garbage – Push It
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDtU_ofJzus

Madness – Our House
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4p4RWBCEFRo

Jane’s Addiction – Been Caught Stealing
http://www.guba.com/watch/3000045834

Smashing Pumpkins – Tonight, Tonight
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YEvVIgCm1zg

Radiohead – Street Spirit
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPX3u0XJzKM

REM – Losing my Religion
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eB3VTX0pxoE

2Pac – California Love
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWOsbGP5Ox4

Blur – Coffee & TV
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCe5yiMWPbA

Frankie Goes to Hollywood – Two Tribes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTOQUnvI3CA

Bjork – All is Full of Love
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjAoBKagWQA

Tool – Sober
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y697CvJdMBA

a-ha – Take on Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIvAsPlm8es

Pink Floyd – The Wall (The whole movie)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_bvT-DGcWw

Laurie Anderson – Life on a String
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0KvspW3LDo

DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince – Parents Just Don’t Understand
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-O4sSZc2WCU

The White Stripes – Fell In Love With A Girl
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q27BfBkRHbs

Herbie Hancock – Rock It
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nK0Pi4wC8Hk

New Order – True Faith
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=og1HAkjOuL0

Metallica – One
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzgGTTtR0kc

Adam & The Ants – Stand and Deliver
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPgHbt0ODr4

Cake – The Distance
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__PU5CVSegg

Chris Isaak – Wicked Game
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-oaHHrNQVrg

Dire Straits – Money for Nothing
http://www.veoh.com/videos/e178381Gmta9Kdw

The Cure – The Lovecats
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OwPhbsz-QKQ

Michael Jackson – Thriller
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtyJbIOZjS8

Bob Dylan – Subterranean Homesick Blues (It’s technically not a music video. It’s a segment from a tour documentary, but it’s so often imitated that it seemed wrong not to include it.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-xIulyVsG8

Today is Squeer! lava’s something-something birthday.  She said she didn’t want a fuss, just money, but currently our pockets are overflowing with fuss, but contain very little cash.  So please join us in a rousing round of happy birthday, and break out your best breakfast wine to toast our dear lava.  I should also mention she accepts checks.

Thanks to a tip from AdmittedlyAddicted, we bring you a pole dancing doll, because your daughter needs to learn to be sexually objectified at the earliest possible age. Hey! Great idea just in (my head).  You could buy her a Glutton baby too, and she could pretend like the flowers on the bra are pasties while she emulates a pole dancer on the playground jungle gym!

(Free self-esteem issue with every order. Ages 3 and Up, batteries not included, call today. Operators are standing by.)

We hags understand that celebrating in style requires more cash than most grad students have on hand, but we still want Janet to have the best birthday possible, because she is awesome.  Realizing that Gwyneth Paltrow is a veritable font of advice on economically minded elitism, we felt certain she’d have a few ideas to make Janet’s day of revelry more enjoyable. So we headed to the internet with only one question in mind: “What would Gwyneth do?”

After an exhausting 10 minutes of thoroughly studying The Way of Paltrow, we feel eminently qualified to dispense the birthday advice we are sure she would give Janet if she weren’t contemptuous of her relative poverty. So, here it is.  May it make your day a little brighter, Janet.

Gwynnie’s Guide to Living Large without Much Large

Fine Dining: Dining out at top ranked restaurants can be expensive, but killing and eating a top ranked chef is free. It’s like there’s a Michelin Star in every bite.

Note: This can get a little messy, so you might need to buy a box of those things the lady who cleans things uses to put things we don’t want in. Whatever they’re called…You know, the big, plastic bag type things the big truck takes away. Anyway, I don’t think they’re expensive because she buys them, and I pay her so I know how much she earns, and she doesn’t seem to steal from us, so how much can they actually cost?

Fine Arts: Obviously poor people can’t afford to go to the ballet, but I think they at least know about it, right? Do you know about the ballet?  If so, you could pretend you’re at the ballet, or pretend you’re a beautiful ballerina. SO thin…SO pretty…I do this all the time, and I’m not even poor!

Personal fulfillment: Whenever important people (anyone richer than you) are around, ignore the little people (anyone less rich than you), and make jokes at their expense. Social climbing is almost as fun as Kabbalah.

And finally I’d like to leave you with my personal philosophy: “Condescension is always free.”  May it carry you as far as it has carried me.

Happy birthday, Janet! All joking aside, may it be the best ever, or at least in the top 5.

Not actual exploding juice.

Chinese immigrant Fu Hu, who runs a drink bar in Auckland, New Zealand, sustained a serious eye injury when a bottle of Keri juice (a brand owned by Coca-Cola) exploded in his face. The 2.4L bottle of  juice had apparently fermented, even though it was within its use-by date, and exploded when he went to open it, leaving him visually impaired and with little hope of recovering his full vision. The accident also cost him about $5000 and the Accident Compensation Corporation had only covered part of the cost of treatment, he said.

Mr. Hu confronted the Coca-Cola Company about the problem, and while the drinks giant agreed that the juice was indeed fermented before its use-by date, they claimed they are in no way liable. As an apology, they offered Hu a case of Keri orange juice and $200 in coupons, because, like th rest of us, Coke knows that what someone who has been injured by your product wants is more of it.

In addition to their “not our fault” statement, the Coca-Cola Company also stated that this was not a public safety issue.  So let that be a lesson to you, juice drinkers, if you’re attacked by a rogue exploding, fermented bottle of juice, you have only yourself to blame.  The company who produced it and who is responsible for the product’s integrity is in no way responsible for the product’s integrity.  Got that?  No?  Shut up. Here’s some coupons.

Don’t feel bad, Fu Hu didn’t get either.  He’s considering legal action.

Author’s note: Here’s a bit of trivia for you. This entire story works as a giant in-joke for Jews on two levels. 1) The word keri literally means “contrary” in Hebrew, and 2) It figuratively means “seminal emission.”  I also feel the need to confess that I only read this story intially because a dude getting hit in eye with “Keri juice” made me giggle.

Another bit of trivia, Keri Russell is of Jewish heritage, opening up the possibility that her parents intentionally named her “Seminal emissions” Russell.  She should probably avoid Israel.

(That was for you, baby fish mouth.)

Sometimes a girl (or guy) just needs a good old-fashioned vampire dicking, but until now they’ve been relatively difficult to come by (no pun intended), and most often involved a Twilight novel, an active imagination and a feeling of emptiness (every pun intended).  If only there were jiggly, silicone replicas of vampire phalluses available for purchase, these moments would be so much more fulfilling (or just filling). Alas, such things do not exist –until now!

Yes, that’s right, the wait for a Twilight dildo is over, and you can finally put a little sparkle in your, uh, love life. Tantus has added The Vamp to its product catalog. (WARNING: The link contains a product image and is not safe for work.) It’s sparkly with a “deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon’s glow,” and guaranteed  to add more “reality” to your imaginary sex life.

A Robert Pattinson poster is not included, so here’s a Twilight video hack set to The Lonely Island’s Jizz in My Pants to help you get the party of one started.

Thanks person who passed along this link, but probably doesn’t want his name mentioned!