lilyj. net » Lists

Good News and Bad News

Lily the Pink — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 18:30:46 +0000

Unless you’re a construction worker or a policeman or fireman. Probably best to stick to being an Indian or a biker, really.

Yeah, fuck that

Good news! Fewer people are dying in work related accidents. Bad news. It’s because fewer people are working. The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics’ National Census of Fatal Occupation Injuries report is out and while I hate to spoil the ending for you, I have to report that work-related fatalities dropped 6% to a total of 5,488, the lowest number since 1992. Construction work is still the most dangerous job overall, causing around 1100 deaths each year, but there are many, many construction workers so their professional average is relatively low.

So what jobs are the most dangerous? Based on deaths per 100,000 employees, here’s a list of the top 5.

Fishers: 112 deaths per 100,000
Logging: 87 per 100,000
Aircraft pilots and flight engineers 67 per 100,000
Iron and steel workers 45 per 100,00
Farmers and ranchers: 38 per 100,000

Law enforcement didn’t make the top 5, but it did make the top 10, with 21.4 per deaths 100,000. This means it’s 5 times less dangerous than fishing, and 4 times less dangerous than logging, so let this be a lesson to all Canadians. If you are considering a career as a fisherman or logger, suck it up and join the Mounties instead.

Local News Bites

Lily the Pink — Thu, 21 May 2009 14:29:24 +0000

And so do dogs

Adorable eater of faces

Usually when it’s a slow news day you get “Dog Bites Man” type stories, but one Knoxville news source seems to be confused about the placement of that “s.” In what one can only hope was the result of an attempt at running the most inane story ever to have existed, or a bet either won or lost, WBIR.com devoted time and space to a “news” story warning people dogs can bite. No, really–a serious news piece. The opening paragraph reads as follows:

“They can be cute and cuddly, but even friendly dogs can be unpredictable, warns the American College of Emergency Physicians (ACEP).”

First, thanks for that warning, American College of Emergency Physicians. I look forward to future press releases about the dangers involved in setting yourself on fire, and possibly an official announcement on the importance of breathing.

Second, thanks for collapsing that acronym for me, WBIR. I wouldn’t have been able to do it on my own. Granted, I was still reeling from that mind blowing revelation.

Third, great, now I’m worried about the children. You told me they suffered the highest rate of being bitten, and that, in fact, millions of children get bitten each year. In the U.S.–alone. Statistics frighten me.

If you’re a parent or potential parent who has never encountered a dog, you’re surely as alarmed as I am and want to know what you can do to prevent your children from being bitten. If you are a parent who also owns dogs, chances are your child has been mauled on several occasions already and this isn’t news to you at all, but you’re probably dying to know how to save little Timmy’s good eye. You’re in luck, because WBIR has included handy tips on how to avoid a canine savaging.

The most helpful of these tips is “Just stay away from them if you can.” However, my personal favorite is, “If knocked over by a dog, roll into a ball, lie still and cover your head if possible.” I’m keeping that one in my wallet to refer to daily. They also say you should NOT scream or run from a dog.

From this I conclude that you should avoid all dogs, but if you can’t, lie down in the fetal position and quietly allow yourself to be eaten. As I said, the first part is helpful, but the last part doesn’t seem to help Timmy at all, let alone save his remaining eye. So, as a service to our readers, I will go the extra mile and offer some useful Do’s and Don’t’s to help keep your child out of harm’s way.

Thundersquee!’s Guide to Preventing Your Child from Becoming a Chew Toy

Dog refusing to bite baby coated in bitter apple

1. Don’t ever use a strange dog as a wet nurse.

2. Do coat your baby in something distasteful or toxic to dogs.

3. Don’t dress your toddler like a cat. It can neither run like a cat nor scratch like a cat, so don’t make dogs think it is a cat.

4. If you own a terrier, don’t dress your child as a mouse.

5. In fact, don’t dress your child as anything a dog might naturally want to kill.

Bad idea

6. Don’t, and I can’t emphasize this enough, bathe your child in beef stock.

7. Do institute a strict anti-poking policy. Don’t poke dogs with things, sharp or otherwise.

8. Do dress your child in a bite suit–always.

9. Do keep a slow moving decoy child with you at all times. Babysitting pays, if you know what I mean.

10. Finally, if you absolutely MUST own a dog, and at this point, isn’t that just asking for it? Do talk to Sarah; she can recommend a vet that is all too willing to pull its teeth.

If you follow these helpful hints yet fate and statistics still seem to have it in for you–and Timmy’s eye–WBIR provides what is probably the handiest of all their tips: If your child is bitten, “seek medical attention.” For those who might need more, I offer, “call 911.”

10 Actresses You Hope Your Daughters Never Emulate

Lily the Pink — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 04:15:22 +0000

Or future daughters…or sons…or cats

Yesterday we brought you 10 Actresses You Won’t Mind Your Daughters Looking Up To, and today, as promised, we bring you their opposites. This list was harder to compile than one might think, but it also requires less explanation. To that end I’ll let the pictures do the talking.

Here’s our list.


Paris Hilton	Britney Spears	Tara Reid

Sienna Miller	Michelle Rodriguez	Lindsay Lohan

Mischa Barton	Winona Ryder	Courtney Love

	Vanessa Hudgens

10 Actresses You Won’t Mind Your Daughters Looking Up To

Lily the Pink — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 23:01:02 +0000

Or future daughters…or girls you know…or sons…or cats…

In no particular order…

Angela Bassett

Education: B.A. African American Studies, Yale University; M.F.A. Yale School of Drama
Fluencies: English
Causes: Youth Arts Programs, UNICEF