Look, Australia, we know you’ve had it rough. It can’t be easy having New Zealand hanging out in the wings, taunting you with its awe inspiring landscape, relatively mild climate, 16 species of penguins, laid back citizenry and a rugby team that has a history of stomping your asses (Tip: The name Wallabies probably doesn’t intimidate a team called the All Blacks). But seriously, you’re on the brink of causing an all out “We Love Our Penguins More” war.

Yes, yes, we know the Kiwis don’t fight fair.  You started knitting tiny sweaters for your little Fairy Penguins (I swear that’s their actual name, but I don’t know if they’re really magic or not), and New Zealand smacked you upside the head by training theirs to compete in an Olympic Penguathalon. But, now–now you’re upping the ante too much.  No good can come of setting up snipers to protect your penguins.  Have you considered that if dingos are eating your baby penguins, then maybe you could try less drastic measures first, like, oh, let’s see…scaring them away? Trying to protect your penguins is an admirable gesture, but how is New Zealand going to respond?  Given their overzealous response to your sweater knitting, our guess would be by training their penguins in the use of nuclear weaponry, and when that day comes, when the penguins have nuclear capabilities, we are all done for. So please, Australia, reconsider, and remember, you’ll always have koalas.

That’s right, you host a goddamned penguin olympics, or as they’re calling it, a Penguathalon. This month the fine folks at Kelly Tarlton Arctic Encounter Underwater World in Orakei, New Zealand are extending a middle finger to the rest of the world, showing us just how great their jobs are as they showcase the variety of enrichment activities they have developed to increase the quality of life of the penguins in their colony.  Gregg Anderson, Tourism New Zealand’s Regional Manager for UK and Europe explains:

“New Zealand has the greatest diversity of penguin species and is arguably the best place in the world to see them. As well as being great fun, the Penguathlon gives people a fantastic chance to get up close with them as well as gaining a better understanding about their welfare”

Oh, shut up, Gregg.  You’re just sticking the boot in and using your charming Kiwi accent to do it.

In case you don’t already hate New Zealand enough, here’s an incredibly cute video of Penguathalon activities.  It doesn’t have any audio, which seems to imply New Zealanders have some sense of mercy, but that’s all just part of their siren song.  I will not succumb!  Away foul temptress! Or, in this case, fowl temptress…