Last night I was mindin’ muh business, perusing Facebook, when an update appeared from my friend Rev. Random. The Rev usually has something interesting, insightful, or hilarious to say, so my natural inclination was to click the link.  I did, and that’s when all reason left me and I was unable to function or form words for the next several minutes.   What she linked to was this: A story about a Louisiana Justice of the Peace who refused to marry an interracial couple. After reading the first few sentences I twitched, I spasmed, I twitched again and grunted, then finally I let out a stream of expletives that only stopped when my brain shut down in either self-defense, or what might be the first documented case of Tourette’s Overload.

Note: I know many of my friends are in interracial relationships, or as I like to call them, relationships, so you might want to tape your head before reading.

In the article, Justice of the Peace Keith Bardwell states, “he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have. ” and that “it is his experience that most interracial marriages do not last long.”

That’s where I started twitching, but it wasn’t until after I tried to wrap my mind around his declaration that he wasn’t a racist that my brain broke. He said:

“I’m not a racist. I just don’t believe in mixing the races that way,” Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. “I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else.”

Recipe for cerebral hemorrhage : 1 part confusion, 1 part slack jawed awe at the absurdity, 2 parts anger, stir.

First of all, what the Jim Crow does he think racism is?  Had I just been transported back to 1950 when it was progressive to let black folk use whitey’s facilities? If so, why aren’t my boobs pointy?  Secondly, really, “piles of black friends”? Piles? Are they dead and piled in your basement?  Were they actually once white but turned black as they started to decay? And what the hell? Was he proud that he lets his black friends use his bathroom because he thinks you can catch black from a toilet seat? Does he actually live in the 18th century where he’s mistaking the smiling, singing, dark skinned people working his fields as friends?  “They’re singing, so they must like me!” Ahhhhh!!!!!!! *POOF*

I admit, I find his logic and defense of it so absurd it is actually funny, but the reality and repercussions of his act are anything but funny.  There may be some truth in what he says, but it’s only true because it’s a self-fulfilling truth.  It’s not always easy being in an interracial relationship, but it’s not the interracial relationship that’s the problem. The entirety of  the problem is other people thinking there’s something wrong with it! So as long as people like him take that stance it won’t be easy.

I could freak out about this for days, but instead I’ll just say, I hope he gets run over by the giant ball of racist crap he’s rolled up his non-existent slippery slope.

Last week Republican Texas State Representative Betty Brown (The name Betty White was taken) caused a shit storm during House testimony on a voter ID bill. When asked to address issues concerning the potential challenges faced by Chinese-Americans under the proposed bill, Brown replied:

“Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese—I understand it’s a rather difficult language—do you think that it would behoove you and your citizens to adopt a name that we could deal with more readily here?”

Thus bringing about a new age for the term “you people” and debuting “you citizens” as its shiny new, modern counterpart.

Apparently concerned that people didn’t fully grasp the magnitude of her ignorance, Brown continued, telling Organization of Chinese Americans representative Ramey Ko (Pronounced “Koh,” for those of you currently bewildered by the complexity of the name):

“Can’t you see that this is something that would make it a lot easier for you and the people who are poll workers if you could adopt a name just for identification purposes that’s easier for Americans to deal with?”

Brown was initially unapologetic, but after the races of the world united and rose up against her, she finally relented and issued an apology–or at least, finger pointing half-heartedly disguised as an apology. While she was busy issuing a prepared statement recognizing the contributions of the Asian-American community in Texas, her rep, Jordan Berry was flapping his gums at the press, telling them “Brown’s comment is being used by the bill’s opponents to obscure the real issues involved.”  The real issues involved assumably being that she’s a xenophobic twat. It makes no sense for her opponents to try to obscure that fact, but rest assured, “you citizens.” She will not allow her racism to deter her racism!