They made us laugh, they made us cry, and occasionally they put us to sleep. And  that was just on the red carpet. Now it’s time for Thundersquee! to return the favor with our  SQUEE!, Meh and Fail picks for the 81st Academy Awards.

On with The FAIL…

Beyonce

CAIT: she looked like an 80s bachelor pad come to life, all black lacquer and framed posters of corvettes next to leather couches and a nagel print.
LILY THE PINK: This outfit demands a ceramic leopard and Billy Dee Williams waiting by the fire.
LISA(#1): STOP LETTING YOUR MOTHER MAKE YOUR CLOTHES. SHE CLEARLY HATES YOU. Ah hem. Bey, let me give you a hint: every time your mom gives you a dress, take it to someone else and say, “make the anti-this.”
MAE: I see mom’s still designing her wardrobe.
STOPTHEMADNESS: My eyes, my eyes!  Tommy Bahama is not couture.  I repeat, it is not couture.

Heidi Klum

CAIT: I know it’s meant to be 2009’s new couture look, but FAIL.
LILY THE PINK: I think Heidi is trying to teach us a lesson in how tasteless sluts dressed 20 years ago while showing off her entire line of jewelry. I just wish she had gone with really big hair.
LISA(#1): If a slutty third grader found some Boons Farm, fabric and a gluegun, this is what you would get. Heidi was wearing like eleventy billion dollars worth of jewlery. That, my friends, is what you call guilding a turd.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Somebody Klum me in, but I wasn’t aware that one could wear origami.  And I don’t know what the hell is going on with that jewelry, but I want to riddle it with bullets, courtesy of my trusty AK-47.

Miley Cyrus

CAIT: This dress barely weighs more than her ego.
LILY THE PINK: Did Disney and Dolly Parton combine forces to design this dress?
LISA(#1): You know sometimes I forget she is only 16. But then I see this. A dress, with tiered petals, all sparkly, a keyhole back and embroidery. Only a 16-year-old would think it wise to throw a belt on that shit. Because it wasn’t busy enough.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Please go away. Go far far away and take Taylor Swift with you (I don’t know who the fuck Taylor Swift is and I don’t care; was she there? Again, with the not caring.). Never come back. No. NO. Do not talk back. JUST GO.

Jessica Biel

CAIT: Where Athena meets 420.
LILY THE PINK: She looks like she got high before she got in the limo, fell asleep on the way to the theater, then woke up as they opened the door for her and threw on the wrong shoes before stumbling on to the red carpet in search of snacks.
LISA(#1): Jessica. Your boob deflated. I think it happened when you were running away from a serial killer in the forest. Isn’t that what happened to your hair? Oh, look at the time, I have to set my Tivo.
MAE: Unkempt hair only works for Robert Pattinson.
STOPTHEMADNESS: You clearly just fucked the limo driver. Here’s a brush. And some mouthwash. Now please follow Miley Cyrus.  I told her to go away, and I’m going to need you to go with her.  Away.  Shut it! Just go and I won’t tell Justin anything about what I just saw.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman

CAIT: Puff puff pass.
LILY THE PINK: Uhhh, I’m guessing ill-timed hair transplant. Otherwise, there’s no excuse. Nope, never mind. There’s still no excuse.
LISA(#1): Is that the same beanie as you wore at Independent Spirit Awards? Ok, either it is glued on your head or you had an unfortunate hair-plug incident. Either way, you, sir, look like a semi-flacid dick with a too-tight black condom trying to slide over the top.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Pssst! Phil! YOU’RE AT THE FUCKING OSCARS! A BEANIE IS NOT APPROPRIATE!

Punch Drunk Free Pass:  Mickey Rourke

CAIT: I long for the days of “Diner.”  ‘Nough said.
LILY THE PINK: His dog story made the bad suit go away, so he’s forgiven.
LISA(#1): I know you want to be Johnny Depp. But I’ve seen Johnny Depp. You sir, are no Johnny Depp. No matter what your addled brains tell you. But you were so awesome in The Wrestler, can I have your autograph?
MAE: Your dog died, not you, and get an effin hair cut already!
STOPTHEMADNESS: AWWW!  But the wittle doggie!  And the aww…..  Well Mickey, it doesn’t excuse the teeth.  Meth explains them.  But the dog doesn’t excuse them.  I’m going to hell.  See you there.

WTF?: Sophia Loren

CAIT: I think Tonya Harding wore something similar in 1992
LILY THE PINK: There comes a point in every woman’s life when they need to call it quits and cover ‘em up.  Even if they still look 40.
LISA(#1): didn’t get to formally comment, but I’m pretty sure the word “Charo” would be included in her comments.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Sophia I will be blaming you when in 30 years I’m still being subjected to Basic Instinct peekaboo shots of Madonna’s vagina.  For the love of croutons, set an example.  Put it away.  You’ve been warned.

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They made us laugh, they made us cry, and occasionally they put us to sleep. And  that was just on the red carpet. Now it’s time for Thundersquee! to return the favor with our  SQUEE!, Meh and Fail picks for the 81st Academy Awards.

On with the Meh…

Amy Adams

CAIT: Very, very boring for such a very, very gorgeous woman.

LILY THE PINK: You know what this outfit says?  It says “I know I’m not going to win, but I’m showing up anyway.”

LISA(#1): I like the necklace. And normally I hate those jeweled psoriasis looking mofos. But with that Hot Topic dress, she is making two contradictory statements. A cobalt column dress and she would have been on my best dressed.

STOPTHEMADNESS: Jesus H. Oversized Necklace, I want to take this woman out back, slap her upside the head a few times, and yell “pull yourself together!”  She has a permanent “Oh my god, something shiny!” look in her eyes that makes her look like she might faint at any given moment.  Somebody get the smelling salts; Amy Adams has the vapors.

Anne Hathaway

CAIT: Too glossy, not enough heart.  I agree with Lils.

LILY THE PINK: Dress? Perfect. Hair? Perfect. Jewelry? Perfect.  Overall effect? Clinical soullessness.

LISA(#1): Oooh, that color looks lovely on her. The neckline is super flattering. Mmmm sparkles. I like the waist…line, oh, that is an interesting, Uh, huh? What have we here? Quick, call Daryl Hannah, Hathaway is trying to remake Splash!

MAE: Over rated *clap clap clap clap clap* over rated *clap clap clap clap clap*

STOPTHEMADNESS: Oh Anne.  Your face is like Costco. There’s just too much of everything.  Too much eyebrows, too much mouth, too much eyes.  But yet I like you.  But yet your dress leaves me wondering if I really need a forty gallon tub of mustard.  I’m confused and I don’t know what to think.  About you.  About your dress.  About Costco.

Evan Rachel Wood

CAIT: Lose the bad hair color and the leftover Marilyn Manson makeup, kthx.

LILY THE PINK: Is she even wearing a dress?  It’s so similar to her skin tone she kind of looks like a perfectly coiffed shar pei.

LISA(#1): Two things: the color washes her out and the dress is wearing her. Dita would have never let that happen. (Angelina should have worn this) Very bad hair. Plus, I hate her face. She should have gone with a nice bag, in the brown paper variety.

STOPTHEMADNESS: Evan, where are you?  I can’t even see you.  You’re freaking me out, what with the blending in with your surroundings and all.  Evan is like a kimodo dragon.  I can’t tell where she ends and where the dress begins.  Wait, is it a kimodo dragon or a chameleon?  I don’t really care.  And I care so little about Evan’s “look” that I can’t even be bothered to look it up.  Do kimodo dragons eat people?  Are they real dragons?  Ok, now I’m interested.  ::heads to google::

Angelina Jolie

CAIT: Loved the jewelry and hair…the dress was just soporific.

LILY THE PINK: She looks beautiful as usual, but she left her personality at home.  I want the jewelry, though.

LISA(#1): I love those earrings. They are the color of some “emeralds” I made in a grow-your-own-crystal kit I had as a kid. The dress? I think I saw it at Dillard’s. Maybe she needs different hair or a necklace? She is so understated as to be invisible.

MAE: I know you’re tired because of your 9,600 children, but does your dress have to be tired too?

STOPTHEMADNESS: Angelina looked gorgeous but bo-ring! I think the dress could have used a necklace— the pendant being a vial of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood of course. Also, it’s a shame that knives aren’t an appropriate accessory for the red carpet.

Penelope Cruz

CAIT: Perfect for a wedding, maybe…not for the Oscars.

LILY THE PINK: It would  take a shovel to make Penny look ugly, but this dress, no matter how sweet its story, makes her look like she stole her grandmas curtains.

LISA(#1): Think of how many tutus could have been made for poor Russian girls with that dress. You know, I think the designers all had ADD this year. The bodices are all lovely, and then the dresses get insane from the waist down. Stop drinking at work!

STOPTHEMADNESS: Penny.  You’re gorgeous.  No doubt.  But you’ve done better.  And also, you really should know how to speak English by now.  What is with you and Salma, already?  That said, I almost dropped my pants when you started speaking in Spanish during your acceptance speech.  So maybe I take it back–what I said about knowing how to speak English.  Oh fuck it, who cares.

Honorable Mention: Jennifer Aniston

CAIT: Yawn.  Wait, what?

LILY THE PINK: What did she wear again?  All I remember is Jack Black and this little braid thing.

LISA(#1): I liked her hair-braid thing. She is beach chic and it has become a bit boring. Maybe she is trying to remind Brad about the good bong hits they had together? But again, the braid thing. That saves her, I think.

MAE: She was there?

STOPTHEMADNESS: I’m glad our Good Girl didn’t wear black, but honestly, I was underwhelmed as evidenced by…. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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They made us laugh, they made us cry, and occasionally they put us to sleep. And  that was just on the red carpet. Now it’s time for Thundersquee! to return the favor with our  SQUEE!, Meh and Fail picks for the 81st Academy Awards.

On with the SQUEE!…

Robert Downey Jr.

CAIT: Looks 30.  And awesome.
LILY THE PINK: That sound you heard when he stepped onto the red carpet was the sound of underwear around the world hitting the floor.  He’s back, and more doable than ever.
LISA(#1): Oh my. Close cut,  grey lapel, subtle stripe, a little shine and a pocket square? Um, pardon me, I have to, uh, take Gwennie’s advice and practice some self-massage.
MAE: I’ll take an RDJ poster above my bed for 1,000 alex.
STOPTHEMADNESS: The man has snorted half of Colombia in his lifetime, and yet he doesn’t look much older than he did portraying Julian in Less Than Zero.  So here’s what I’m thinking.  He might actually be black.  Remember, black don’t crack.  Now excuse me, I need to take off my pants and go full retard.

Taraji P. Henson

CAIT: Benjamin who??
LILY THE PINK: I loved everything about her from hair to toes. Actually, I didn’t see her toes. Her toes are the The Reader of this outfit.
LISA(#1): She has be owning this awards season, so don’t take it lightly when I say this is her best yet. There was something a little “tattered aristocracy” that played so well off that modern bob. Dibs on that necklace!
MAE: I’d do her.
STOPTHEMADNESS: I hate the fucking Button movie.  Let me just say that and say it again.  I hate the fucking Button movie.  I love Taraji P. Henson, however, and everything she stands for.  She looked fabulous.

John Legend

CAIT: Meow.  That’s all I’m sayin’.
LILY THE PINK: The mocha two button tux stood out in the best possible way, much like his date’s breasts.  Also, pocket square, tie-clip–well done! Now I’m craving hot cocoa.  John…?
LISA(#1): mmmmm chocolately perfection. Layers, layers people! No? How about, brown is the new black? No? Ok, Legend is classy with a tie-clip and cool with mocha.
STOPTHEMADNESS: I would so lick the nutmeg off his ladle.

Meryl Streep

CAIT: Not a fan of the hair, but the dress kills.
LILY THE PINK: She once said The Devil Wears Prada taught her to care how she looked at these things, and I think 15 Oscar nominations and this dress attest to how well Streep does something when she cares about it.
LISA(#1): She can be a little hit or miss, because, let’s face it, she is too good for this crap. It is nice when she mixes with the mortals and shows them pure, effing, class. The grey is stunning with her complexion. Eat that starlets!
MAE: Elegance epitomized.
STOPTHEMADNESS: She’s Meryl.  She can do no wrong.  She just also happens to look fabulous.  You know what else looks fabulous?  Her crow’s feet.  Women over 40 are supposed to have crow’s feet.  Crow’s feet, I say!  Show me your crow’s feet or get the hell out!  Excuse me, I lost my head.  What was I saying?  Right.  Meryl.  Gorgeous.  She kills it here.  This is how one ages gracefully.  You hear that, Ms. Kidman?  KIDMAN GET OUT UNTIL YOU SHOW ME SOME CROW’S FEET!  I’m sorry.  Again, this is about crow’s feet.  I mean Meryl Streep.

Natalie Portman

CAIT: This gal knows how to rock a red carpet.  Dayamn.
LILY THE PINK: I love Natalie Portman, and I think she looks great, but I have one complaint. The beading on the bodice of her dress makes her look like her boobs are just waking up from a little nap.  I’m almost waiting for her to yawn from her bellybutton.
LISA(#1): The color is beautiful (and making Alicia Keys jealous) and the cut is perfect for her. I would just like to raise my concerns with the bedazzling – the placement makes her boobs look like Paris’ eye. A bit wonky.
STOPTHEMADNESS: I love Natalie.  She looks fabulous.  I loved her in the Professional.  She was a cute kid and now she’s a gorgeous woman.  Also, she shaved her head for V for Vendetta.  It takes a hot piece of Harvard ass to look good with no hair.

Portman: 1.  All of You: 0.

Honorable Mention: Hugh Jackman

CAIT: Christ on a golden crouton!
LILY THE PINK: A golden crouton, a cracker, a crutch and a pogo stick.
LISA(#1): He is perfection. Singing, dancing, accented perfection. I can’t remember what he was wearing – it is just a blur of a charming smile. Sigh.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Wolverine might be gay.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Ability to Stop Time Award: Phoebe Cates

CAIT: This lady is Kevin Kline’s “Date with an Angel.” That’s right, I made a terrible 80s pun. And?
LILY THE PINK: I bet Judge Reinhold is sitting at home beating off.
LISA(#1): Seriously, she should just walk around in a red string bikini, always. Oh, and she had my FAVE accessory of the night – an arrow hair pin.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Look I’m not crazy about the cut of the dress—it’s a bit geisha girl for me—but Christ floating in a bowl of Cheerios, she looks fantastic.  Fast Times at Ridgemont High fantastic.  Like I’d hit that, fantastic.   And I simply love her and Kevin Kline together.  Especially Kevin Kline.  ::smells armpit::

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Take That, Tony Danza!

A mere 24 hours after Bruce Springsteen sexually molested America by thrusting his crotch into the camera during his Super Bowl performance,  New Jersey experienced an Earthquake.  While we at ThunderSquee! aren’t scientists, we hypothesize that 4 million Jersey women simultaneously hitting the ground, throwing their legs over their head and bracing for Springcrotch impact could and did trigger this seismic event.

The earthquake, which measured a 3 on the Richter Magnitude Scale, caused an estimated billion dollars of improvements to property.

More (read factual) information can be found here.

Many thanks to resident Angry Black Lady stopthemadness.  This article is better for her hilarity.