By "tap" they mean "that ass." AMIRITE?

UPDATE ALERT: See the full article for the addendum.

Are you an awkward young male who is pathetically dependent on corporate driven pop culture for advice on how to achieve social success?  Then Pepsi has the iPhone app for you! In order to promote their AMP energy drink, Pepsi recently released an iPhone application called “AMP Up Before You Score.”  In essence, it’s an encapsulated version of the Jack Jericho character in The Pick-Up Artist (sans inevitable change of ways and subsequent emotional and moral redemption), replete with electronic bedpost notching capabilities and handy directions to the nearest bed–an electronic idiot’s guide to scumbaggery.

The gist of the functionality of the app is this: You “identify her stereotype” from a handy list, and the app returns a profile of that type.  The profile is basically a quick study guide to that type’s interests, along with links to more info and a list of lines that might work on her.

Yeah…

One has to assume Pepsi either doesn’t know women drink its products (doubtful), or lacks even a modicum of giving-a-shit-that-women-do (more probable), because there are so many offensive elements to this app that it’s difficult to know where to begin. In order to keep this diatribe from becoming a missive to be nailed on the doors of Pepsi HQ during the Great Soft Drink Reformation the cola corp is surely precipitating, here’s a quick rundown of the most repugnant facets:

1. It breaks down women into 24 convenient types. Irony fueled favorite: “Out-Of-Your-League Girl,” because face it, guys.  If you’re using a Pepsi iPhone app to help you pick up women, women are just generally out of your league. Note: These 24 types are allegedly men’s “favorite types of women,” so if you look at the list and don’t see yourself in any of the types, you’re probably hopelessly unattractive and should sign up for a foreign exchange program or buy a yourself a sorority sweatshirt and pretend, pronto. Also, if you are male and look at the list and don’t find any of those types appealing, you’re probably gay.

2. The aforementioned bedpost notchery.  That was real, I shit you not.  It allows you to store lists of conquests, because, you know, you’re going to be so deep in pussy you’re going to need a way to keep track.

3.  A brag function that allows you to tweet or update your newly laid status on Facebook, after all, what good is a notch in your bedpost if you can’t broadcast it to all and sundry?

4. That it exists. Really, that’s the most offensive part of all.

So, welcome to the Thundersquee! shit list, Pepsi.  Can one strangle a corporation with their fallopian tubes?

UPDATE: Pepsi issued an apology, and by that I mean, they tweeted a half-ass defense of their actions.

After people took to twitter in droves and started mercilessly bashing Pepsi (search #pepsifail), Pepsi tweeted the following: “Our app tried 2 show the humorous lengths guys go 2 pick up women. We apologise if it’s in bad taste & appreciate your feedback. #pepsifail.”

Really? That’s a whole lot of typing just to say “JOKE,” and the only apology I see is one that firmly places the blame on the people with the complaint.  My interpretation of the alleged apology was,  “We’re sorry you if you don’t get it.”  They’re also not withdrawing the app, presumably because it’s just too damn funny to give up.

Pepsi, my assessment still stands, and you’ve moved up a two notches on the shit list–one place for your “blame the victim” style apology, and another for substituting the number “2″ for the word “to.”