Fuck you, bloggers (other than us).  Did you really have to label Owen Wilson and Woody Harrelson’s trip a mancation? That shit was simply unnecessary, and you know what?  Because you’ve gone and pissed me off, I’ve decided to enact a ban on all man related portmanteaus.  From now on, mancations, mankinis and mandals are off-limits in the People’s Republic of Thundersquee!, as are brodeos and bromances.

So listen up, bloggers of the internets who aren’t us! Do not show me your moobs or your manmaries, and for the love of all that is holy, do NOT expose me to your mannaise.  This will only anger me further.  So please, don’t try me. If I so much as even see you eating Manwich, I will kick you in the mangina.

An open letter to MSNBC

Dear MSNBC,

Why must you make me want to kill you in the face?  I just got back from kicking CNN’s collective ass for their use of “weisure,” and quite frankly, I’m exhausted.  Rest assured, however, that I am never too tired for a portmanteau pummeling, and your recent use of “twintern” is begging for one.

Twintern?  Really?  You seem to define this abominable bit of linguistic fuckery as “interns in charge of their companies’ Twitter feeds,” but not only does the word suck a mighty suck for merely existing, it also falls short in communicating what you actually mean.  It sounds more like something the media would have labeled George Bush’s daughters when they found summer jobs while in college–yes, I could have almost forgiven you calling the Bush girls twinterns. It would have been jokey, the meaning would have been clear, and, most importantly,  it would have been  fleeting. I also may have been able to forgive the word if it was coined by some vapid, cutesie girl on The Hills when she and another intern showed up to work wearing the same outfit. Granted, I can’t forgive The Hills for existing, but it would have made more sense, and again, it would have amounted to so much verbal flotsam. But you, MSNBC, you’re a news source.  You’re trying to introduce this word into our culture.  You gave it a god damned coming out party!

Your writers are supposed to be people with degrees in journalism or English–lovers of lingua franca.  They should be part of the Word Nerd Club, the custodians of our language, not bastards gleefully poking it to death with sharpened sticks as it howls in pain.  My point is, stop it! It’s both stupid and stupid.  It is also, dare I say, stupid. So, enough already! Cease and desist, or I will be forced to make up portmanteaus to describe stupid portmanteaus, you “fucktards.” Oh, and I will still brick you in the face–this is not an either/or situation.

Kigards (That means “kindest regards.” See?  Stupid, isn’t it?),

Lily the Pink

There are words that make me want to punch puppies and kick cupcakes. Most of these words are either new usages of old words or portmanteaus (words created by melding two other words together). Don’t get me wrong, plenty of these words have quietly made themselves at home in our lexicon.  The word meld itself is a blend of the words “melt” and “weld.”  It’s just that some seem incredibly forced and annoying; or even worse, foisted on us by finger-gunning business types who want to appear hip to the latest management lingo.

To date, my least favorite example has been “webinar,” although “blogosphere” runs a close second.  I get tight chested and angry just typing the word.  This changed earlier today, however, when I read a CNN article introducing the word “weisure” to the world.  As you’ve probably guessed, it’s a blend of the words “work” and “leisure.”  It’s also the biggest asshat of a word I’ve encountered in a long time.  I’m currently considering driving to Atlanta to kick someone’s ass.

The word isn’t necessary; it’s stupid and superfluous, and it makes me think that some douche who “recontextualizes his corporate paradigm by thinking outside the box” from his sailboat probably made it up after a couple of gin and tonics and thought he was hilarious, then spent the next six months regaling people with his genius at cocktail parties until the word started to stick.  Of course, I could be overreacting, but that doesn’t make me hate this word any less.

What about you?  Love? Hate? Indifferent?  What words do you hate?